


The devil and the snake

by 21_years_old_lady



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Arranged Marriage, Each chapter has been written at night on a breakdown, F/F, F/M, Fear, Forced Marriage, I am way too old to be writing fanfiction, What is this?, enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:28:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 29,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22857754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/21_years_old_lady/pseuds/21_years_old_lady
Summary: You (Y/N) has been arranged to marry Ivar the boneless. Everything you heard about him, how ruthless and angry he was, how scary he could be... How he killed his ex wife. But on your wedding night you see that this anger people warned you about is also deluted in sadness and fear.
Relationships: Ivar (Vikings)/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 122





	1. A stranger in England

**Author's Note:**

> I am way too old to be writing fanfiction. Please keep in mind I have not even watched Viking as a whole, I'm really trying my best to still be faithful to the characters.  
> Also I am aware that the names of the countries are not the same as the time period would ask them to be. (england not being devided in my fanfic also I kept France as Frankia)

You knew his reputation, everyone had either warned you or tried to reassure you, without you even stating you were worried. That was a sign, the sign that your husband to be was to be feared. Your brother had fought alongside his army during a raid and you had heard him talk about how fearless and cruel he could be.

You were scared. Some stories were too worrisome to believe. He had been married before and all you knew about it was the fate of his ex wife. Your mother had told you not to pity her, but you couldn’t help wondering if this wasn’t your fate. You weren’t getting married to form an alliance between your countries; you were married to be slaughtered. Like you would give away a pig in exchange for money only for that pig to have its throat cut off once the owner got his due. 

You were careful not to offend anyone, you cried alone, only your mother was aware of your fears. You worried in your head, making sure that in public your face remained stoic, stern. Your father hadn’t been of aid, never acknowledging what was happening. Even so, you could see guilt in her eyes every time someone mentioned the marriage to come.  
Your closest friend had tried to reassure you, telling you that maybe he wasn’t as bad. One time one of your lady had made a joke about his legs. You had heard tales of him murdering those who did it so you had shut her up. Telling her how dangerous that was. After that night your ladies didn’t talked much about it, they were scared too. It was safer not to.

He was supposed to come to your country soon, you were to be married at once. In Christian fate and in his the same day. Then, the next day, he would return to Kattegat and you would have to follow him. Yes, you were afraid for your life and your security, but also you had to leave everything you ever knew, every person. You were to make the journey with three of your father’s men, to ensure that you were safe, but once in the land of your soon to be husband you would be truly alone.

Today, during diner your father had mentioned, once again, how grateful he is for this alliance and how beneficial it will be for our country and you couldn’t smile anymore. They were supposed to arrive soon, He was supposed to arrive soon. You felt the terror in your chest, you could barely eat. You would need courage once he was there and now you couldn’t spare to be courageous; it was too much.

Later during that night, you had heard bells. There were boats. Some men screamed orders and you tried to peak from your windows, but it was too dark out and you were too far from the coast to see anything. As you laid a hand on the window you realized how much you were shaking. You stayed there a long time, long enough to hear more screaming, to see more fire being lit but still unable to see clearly.

If it were true, if it was him, tomorrow you would be married.

Someone knocked.

You jumped and turned, quickly grabbing your robe to cover yourself more. 

“yes, come in”

Your mother entered the room and you let out a big sigh, somewhat relieved to see a familiar face. 

“Mother…”

“You’ve heard the bells?”

“Yes, is…”

“It is the northmen”

You couldn’t answer. You didn’t wanted to show what that this statement meant to you.  
The queen approached and laid a hand on yours.

“I know how scared you are”

She didn’t, how could she. You were being sent to live with a murderer, a man who killed his own last wife. 

“Don’t be frightened my child”

“But mother, I can’t. Everyone, everywhere they all say how cruel he is. How awful he can be, I don’t want to be hurt, I don’t want to die not at someone else’s expense”  
With her other hand she placed something in your palm and then she closed your hand.

“You have a decision to make my child. Either you stay here shaking, to be dragged out of force tomorrow or you show him, show him that if he can be cruel, you can be worse.”

She looked you in the eyes with a serious look, one you had never seen on her face. You looked in your palm and saw a small phial. You didn’t ask any question, you knew this was poison and the choices were either to use it tonight or to keep it, in case. For him. 

She then took a step back and smiled, a wide smile. 

“It will be a beautiful wedding. And I’ve heard that he is far from a sore for the eyes.”

“mother…”

She placed a finger on your lip.

“I will always love you my child, but now you are to be alone and this need to stay hidden. Nobody knows and nobody, but you and I need to know”

You closed your palm again. She kissed your forehead.

“Goodnight dear, sleep well, you have a big day tomorrow”

And then she left. 

You went back to the window, this time you were able to make out the boats on the shore. You saw the figures far away of men getting out of them. You clutched the poison in your hand, wondering if you would use it tonight. And if it wasn’t tonight would you need to use it one day?

You didn’t cry this night, the words of your mother kept you awake until you fell in a deep sleep. You didn’t know if you could be cruel. You dreamt during the night of horrible things, of blood and death. The poison was still in your hand when you woke up the next day


	2. Breakfast, friends and poison.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet some of the northmen.

Your ladies walked in in the morning to help you get dressed. They informed you of your father’s plan. You were to come back during midday to get ready and at night there would be your wedding. Some of your ladies, the one who didn’t knew who the man you were to marry was, were smiling, telling you how exciting this day was. The others gave you sympathetic eyes, keeping to themselves. 

If it was dangerous to speak before, to speak while the northmen were here was suicidal. 

You walked to the dinner hall for your breakfast, and you heard more voices than usual which meant that, at your surprise, some of the northmen were here. The guard in front of the door started to open the door but you asked him to stop.

“Are you alright my lady?”

You looked at the guard, he was young and handsome. You wondered if he would have scared you as your soon to be husband scared you. You wondered, in between two breath if he would help you if you were in danger in the hand of the northmen. If he saw them and pitied you. 

“Yes, thank you. I…”

He looked at the other guard, wondering something too. It wasn’t in your habitude to talk to strangers, especially now but now that you knew that everyone around you, in a couple of days, would be strangers, you needed to meet someone who might not be.

“You are in my father’s guard aren’t you not?”

“Yes, my lady”

“And what is your name?”

He didn’t answer right away, you looked him in the eyes, hoping maybe he would help you.

“Edward, your grace”

“Well, Edward, are you a knight”

“Yes. Forgive me my lady, are you alright?”

“Yes, forgive me knight Edward. I just, wanted to know who my foes were before I entered. At last I can’t say that I am not wondering who those strangers in my father’s hall are”

“Some of the northmen are here my lady, they arrived last night”

“Oh, but Edward, I knew that.”

He nodded, he looked puzzled and you stepped back and sighed.

“Do you know which of the knights are coming with me to the north after I am married?”

“I do not know my lady, forgive me” It was a shame. This interaction gave you nothing.

“You have done nothing wrong Edward, I am sorry for my intrusion”

Your hands were shaking but once you put a hand near your left breast and felt the poison that you made sure to keep in your dress it was slightly better. 

“You may open the door now, Thank you”

You gave him one last look and then the voices got louder. You stepped inside and it got quiet. You could hear a pin drop. You managed to keep your head high. You didn’t want to look at the strangers in your house. Your father got up, opened his arm and smiled warmly.

“My sweet daughter, good morning”

You smiled back calmly and bowed. Next to him was a strange man and there was one next to your mother too. You wondered if one of them was your new husband but as both smiled largely that wonder went away. You had been told your husband didn’t smile.

“Hvitserk, Ubbe, I present to you my daughter, (Y/N)”

Shyly you bowed for them too.

“It is a pleasure to meet you my lords”

“Told you she would be a good liar”

You were confused by his answer.

“I am sorry if I offended you…”

“Forgive my brother my lady, he has yet so much to learn about the way of the west. It is truly a blessing from the gods to meet you”

You smiled at him and your father pointed to your seat which you sat slowly and carefully on. You were intimidated by the man sitting next to you, you didn’t had the nerves to look at him but you could feel him to your right, big and strong. You recognized the name your father had said, they were the brothers of the northen king. Of your husband.   
You looked around the room, trying to stay subtle, seeing the man and woman from the north. 

What struck you first was that there was a lot of blond hair, they looked a little more rugged than the men you were use to see but so far they looked like your father’s man whenever your father opened his hall for feasts. But then they weren’t all here, in the room there was maybe around twenty man and women.

“My brother was too shy to come this morning”

You were brought back from your thought by, who you knew by his name, Ubbe.

“Oh, was he?”

Ubbe smiled and drank a little.

“Not really, but we convinced him to keep you has a surprise for tonight”

“I hope I do not disappoint him then”

“You won’t, believe me”

You tried to eat but your stomach was too tense for it. You hoped you weren’t going to be sick. Your mother excused herself from the table and gave you a look for which you clenched the poison under your dress. You ate a little, out of curtesy, and then did the same. You thought you were alone, going back to your chamber but then gasped when you felt a hand on your shoulder. It was the other brother, the one who joked at your expense.

“I am sorry, I didn’t want to scare you”

“It is alright my lord”

“Call me Hvitserk”

You nodded.

“You look scared”

You tensed up, it was true, but you didn’t want to offend him, or anyone.

“You’ve probably heard a lot about my brother, it is normal to be scared. But he isn’t all of what he seemed. Don’t repeat it but even if he says he is a god, he is not. He is just a man and that mean that he can be good.”

“I will love my husband with all my heart, it is my duty to.”

“But even if he scares you, and even if he is my brother and I love him. You will always have friend in Kattegat, don’t worry”

To that you didn’t knew what to answer. Did he believe he was a foe? Did you had to feel that he was? Will you ever feel that a stranger like that would be?   
He gave you a smile and put a hand on your shoulder before walking away. You stayed there for a time. Looking at the empty hallway.

“My lady, come, it is time for your bath” you closed your eyes before turning toward your lady and walking to your chamber. 

The water was warm, and you tried to enjoy the calm of a silent room, the only sound was those of your ladies in the next room, preparing your dress. You sighed deeply before calling for one of them to help you out of the bath. As she went you managed to find the courage to smile. You had to act the part and it was time for the act to begin. 

“Do you know of someone who has seen my husband?”

“Well…” she stopped.

“Well what? He wasn’t in the dinner hall this morning and his brothers told me he preferred that I was kept as a surprise. he might but I would still like to know if someone has seen him”

“I have your grace”

One of your ladies came in the room, smiling wide.

“My sweet Caroline, and?” 

“What would like to know”

“When did you see him?”

“Well he went to eat in the hall before you. He met with your father and they asked me to give him drinks”

She stopped a moment, smiling to herself.

“He was very handsome”

Caroline was a very young French lady who wasn’t aware of the tales of the king. She had only come in your service a couple of weeks ago. She was still certain that marriage was built out of love and sugar. That your marriage was.

“it is nice to ear. Thank you my dear. Now would you do my hair, it is time that I get ready for this handsome king”

You tried to only look at the young Caroline, that dumb sweet girl. It felt better to imagine yourself happy like that for your marriage than how you really were. As she laced your dress your mother came in the room. All the ladies bowed and left the room for your mother to talk to you.

“Are you ready?”

You didn’t answer, she knew it already.

“It will be quickly over, my dear. I’ve seen your husband this morning, he does not look as scary as the tales make him out to be.” She put a hand on yours.

“But then, if he is, you know what to do” 

“Mother, will it hurt”

“Maybe. Your wedding night…”

“No not that. I am asking if it will hurt to be far away. To be far away and alone”

“Do not ask me to lie to you my sweet child. It will. But soon it will feel like your home, like this place feels like mine now”

You closed your eyes and she laid a kiss on your forehead.

“See you soon (Y/N)”

On that note she went out and you took the poison that you hid in your drawer to put back under your dress, under your left breast. Your ladies then finished you up and even if you tried to avoid it there was still apologetic stares in the room.  
There was even more as you walked to the church. But Caroline still smiled. One of your lady was about to put the veil in front of your eyes but you stopped her.

“No. Wait.” You cluched your stomach, it felt as if you were going to die. You felt fait until Caroline put a hand on your forearm.

“My lady?”

You looked in her eyes.

“Would you be happy in my place Caroline?”

She seemed to look for an answer in your eyes but still answered before finding it.

“Of course. Love is a beautiful thing?”

“And how would you know love”

“I do not know your grace; I am not married”

It was a stupid statement made by a stupid little girl in your court, but she smiled and it calmed you because you realised that you had found your mask. Whenever it was hard you would try to believe that you are little Caroline, stupid enough to find love in what is only suffering and war.

“Please Caroline, put on my veil”

She smiled so wide. It was a warm smile, a happy one and it was the last one before you felt the veil on your face and you couldn’t make up as clearly who was near you.  
Your father came not long after, taking your arm in his. He was smiling, happy of it all, innocent. But right before the door opened, he told you something that made you realise he knew who he was giving you to.

“I hope I will not be sorry for what is about to happen. If I had another way, it would be it”

You looked at him under your veil but before you could answer anything the doors opened, and you saw at the end of the church Ivar. 

Ivar the boneles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, love you <3


	3. Feast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Married.

The ceremony was quick and easy. And although you were in the place of the wife you couldn’t feel like it was yours. When your husband left up your veil you locked eyes with him. Trying to see as much of him as he was right now, trying to believe he was going to be good. He didn’t smile when he saw you. You had been warned of it but, to your surprise, you still felt crushed. Thinking maybe he thought you were ugly. Not that it would matter after tonight.

You didn’t saw any northmen in the crowd except Ubbe. It was probably because they were all preparing the other room for the other ceremony. You saw your mother’s eyes and it gave you strength, she raised her chin and you turned and did the same. As the priest asked you to kiss you closed your eyes. His lips were soft, but the kiss was so quick you couldn’t make anymore of it.

Then you walked out the hall, some of the people in the crowd caressed your hand on the way back and you smiled at them but when you were in the hallway, alone, your heart dropped and you looked behind you, wondering if any of them would follow. But as you realized, they couldn’t follow you in the pageant ceremony and it was the first time you were alone.

“Are you okay?” it was the first time you heard your husband speak, really speak. His voice resonated in your ears and it took you a second to find the strength to answer.  
Before you could think of what to tell him you were suddenly surrounded by a dozen of northem women who took you away. Giggling and laughing. You watched Ivar as you were almost carried by them. 

He smiled. 

Oh.

So, he could smile, and you frowned and fixed him until you turned the corner of the hall. That is when you started to realize that the ladies were already starting to undo your dress. You clenched the poison under it, scared that It would fall. 

They closed the door of your room and then they stopped talking and sat you on the chair in the corner of your chamber. You looked at their smiling faces, wondering what to say as to not offend them.

“So, how do you feel about the king” one of the women said, being shushed by the one next to her suddenly. You recognized the spirit of Caroline in her.

“Well, I do not know your grace very well…”

“You do not need to answer, Yrvest is simply stepping out of her boundaries.”

“Oh that is alright.”

The older one went in front of you and took your hands in hers and looked you in the eyes.

“You look frightened child. Do not worry, we do not bite”

“I am sorry if I look frightened, it is only strange, I have never seen so many strangers in my room”

Some laughed and then the frenzy started again as three of them went to start on your hair and then two others undid your dress. You were careful to keep the poison in your hand until you were able to put it in your dresser again without anyone noticing. 

The braids were tight and your head throbbed as they were doing them but once finished you didn’t feel them, the dress was looser than your old one and you first backed out when one tried to put a black thing on your eyes but when she showed you on hers you let her.

The door opened and you didn’t think anything of it at first, knowing how many back and forth were already going on but when the northen ladies stepped back, you turned around.

“Is she ready?” Hvitserk asked. 

“Yes Hvitserk, she is. Is Ivar ready?”

“Of course, he is. You look really beautiful (Y/N)”

“You are too kind”

“You ladies go to the ceremony, I will walk (Y/N) alone.” He stopped and as they were already walking out, he turned to you “If you don’t mind”

“Of course not, if it pleases my lord”

When they were all out you were about to get up but he stopped you.

“Wait.” He sat on your bed. “You seriously need to stop calling my anything else but my name, I think your manners are funny now but who knows what three months in a boat will   
make me feel like about you”

Was it supposed to scare you, was he trying to make you feel worse? Because as your brief talk went yesterday, he already knew how you feel. 

“It is a joke. Don’t worry, I would not hate you.”

“I will try to remember it nonetheless Hvitsterk”

“There you go!” he smiled, and you smiled back, not even thinking about it. It was your first time in a long time that a smile that came from you wasn’t forced. 

“Are you still scared now that you have seen your husband?”

Your smiled faded quickly. And as if he read your mind he didn’t go further in the subject. He simply got up and lend you his hand. Which you took. 

“I think it is time for you live for the first time a northen wedding” He started to walk you out but as you were about to get out you realised you had left the poison in your dresser.

“Wait. Hvitserk, I have forgotten something in my room, if it is not a bother could you wait”

“Alright. Be quick, we need to go”

You grabbed the poison and tucked it again under your left breast, feeling it under your dress.

-

The Northen wedding was magical. There was a lot of singing, a lot of dancing. Before you knew it it wasn’t the ceremony anymore, you were already sat down for the feast.  
If in your Christian wedding, there was only one northmen in this one there was no Christian. Your belly tensed up at the thought of being for the first time, alone.

“Your parents have agreed to come for the feast, so don’t worry, you won’t be alone” Ivar’s eyes were so blue, you wondered if it was true, he was made of the sea like his father.

“I am now married; I am not alone” you wondered were that came from. Your years in court had led you to be a good actress.

But Ivar didn’t look like he believed you because he didn’t answer anything. Not even with a smile. 

The doors opened and in went your mother and father followed by dozens of people of your court. You smiled at them and they all took their places quickly before your husband got up. Even as you walked down the hall, even as you saw him standing in the hallway, even in the other ceremony you hadn’t notice the brace on his legs.   
Now you did. 

It didn’t shock you but the drawings on it were beautiful, enchanting, so enchanting you were fixated on them. He probably saw you staring because as you started to watch them with more and more interest his hand went in next to you for you to take and get up as well. 

The room got silent and you felt all the eyes on you two.

“I wanted to thank King Allessandre for making this alliance possible. I am now a husband and I will not disappoint you”

The northmen and most of the christan raised their drink, saying in unison “To Allessandre”  
That is when your father got up as well.

“And thank you King Ivar, this union will, I hope, be prosper and peaceful”

Louder this time, all this northem “Ivar!” and Ivar smiled. You saw on the corner of your eyes your mother who stayed silent.

“Now let’s eat and drink until tomorrow feels like a memory”

On that note the room filled with voices and soon laughter and scream. There was music and food. Which you couldn’t touch. The knot in your stomach only growing bigger. But what you could do was to drink the wine. You had never developed any taste for it but tonight you weren’t drinking it for the taste. Your husband stayed silent for most of the night and you too. Until it was almost time for the bedding, and you managed to ask him.

“How do you like my country so far my king”

“It is not for the country that I am here for.”

“Oh, well…”

“And I like it so far.” He looked into your eyes, you felt paralyzed. “Please call me Ivar”

“If you let me I will” he smiled softly. 

Three smiles so far. And two were for you.

You drank even more, wondering if there would ever be enough wine, it felt as you had been drinking all the winter resources. You felt drunk, barely keeping your head up. At last, you were a good actress and no one seemed to notice. No one went to talk to you, not even some of your ladies which you considered your friend. You hadn’t even left the country yet and you already felt alone. 

You saw Caroline dancing in the crowd. At one point you thought you saw her dancing with Hvitserk but maybe you were mistaken as you didn’t have all your mind straight.   
Before you knew it, it was time for the bedding. Your husband walked out of the hall and you followed. As you went you wondered if people saw how wobbly you were. But then every Christians were probably focused on your husband’s crunches. And every northmen were probably looking at the Christians.

Some cheered on you as you walked out and you locked eyes with Caroline, she smiled so wide you wanted to punch her. When would she realise that a woman like you walking out of this kind of marriage wasn’t walking for love? She was walking toward death and suffering. Would she see as she got older, on her own, or would she realize it on her own wedding night?


	4. A night with a snake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding night and a proposition.

Once in the bedding room Ivar sat on the bed and undid his braces, not looking at you. You stayed near the door.

“Why are you so scared of me?”

“Why? I am not scared my ki…”

“(Y/N)…” hearing your name, spoken so softly, made you heart jump in your chest. Sitting on the bed, his legs on either side of him, not moving, he didn’t look like Ivar, Angry Ivar from the tales. Ruthless killer. He simply looked like a handsome man, one maybe Caroline could believe in love with.

“What have you heard about me?”

“A lot of things.”

“Scary things?”

Again, you couldn’t answer. You didn’t know how he would react to the truth, even to lies. You put your hand under your left breast, trying to believe in courage, in your own power. But you were scared.

“And have you heard what happened to my last wife”

This time you couldn’t hide your fear, it was clear in your face and in your eyes.

“Yes” the word escaped your lips.

He sighed and took of his shirt before getting under the blankets and turning away from you.

“I’m sorry you heard it.”

“My king, is…”

“Ivar (Y/N). My name is Ivar” and then he looked like he felt asleep. 

You stayed away for a while, waiting for him to move but he did not, so, you took of your dress, leaving yourself only in your nightgown, carefully putting the poison inside the morning gown that was left in the room. 

You blew out the candles in the room except for one you carried to the bed. You put in on your nightstand and lifted the blankets slowly as to not wake him up. As you did you saw the marking on his back, two snakes in the form of an eight.   
Maybe it was the alcohol, but you felt compelled to get your finger near it, feeling the heat of his skin without having to touch him. As he moved you took your hand back. 

“I am not asleep (Y/N)”

He turned around, his eyes locking with yours. You hesitated before asking.

“Aren’t we supposed to...” you felt asking was too dirty.

“To what?”

“Consummate, the marriage” In the dim lighting you thought you saw his smile. But maybe it was only the dark.

“Well, (Y/N). Would you like to.”

You didn’t answer. You knew that the wine would speak if you did, and the wine would not lie to him.   
The real answer was that he was handsome, his eyes were charming, and you could already feel yourself getting goosebumps down there. But a part of you, the one that still knew all she knew about him, wondered if making love to him would be the same as making love to the devil. 

Good at first but ultimately cursed.

“That is the answer I need”

He turned around once again and you got on the bed, looking again at his back before blowing the candle. You were exhausted but you knew you weren’t going to be able to sleep tonight. Ivar, as if he read your thought simply added.

“Goodnight wife” 

You felt obligated to answer and simply added “Goodnight Husband”.

During the night you dreamt of snakes, crawling around you, some tightening their grip, some simply caressing your skin. Some biting some turning their faces away from you. Then a big once came and wrapped himself around you, looking at you with his deep blue eyes. His touch felt exquisite. It was sinful how good he felt and as he slowly wrapped you could feel the end of his body slowly wrapping inside itself inside of your thighs to finally slowly enter your wet part, filling you with a pleasure you had never felt before. You felt as if your body was escalading toward a goal making your toe curl and pushing noise out of your mouth you couldn’t stop. 

You looked his eyes, seeing the ocean and death and wanting to drown in the pleasure he was giving you. Then his mouth opened wide, as to eat you and before you could scream  
You woke up. 

Ivar’s face was right in front of yours and you must have made a noise because he woke up almost immediately. You recognized the serpent eyes in his.

“Are you alright?” 

You sat down quickly and grabbed your knees in your hand before realising that you were wet down there. Almost as if you had peed yourself, only thicker.

“Yes, I am sorry if I woke you”

It was not morning yet. Which meant you couldn’t leave the room. You were embarrassed with your dream but couldn’t bring yourself to think of something else.

“No, it’s okay. I am a light sleeper” he took a pause, probably wanting you to say something but nothing came to mind.

“Did you have a bad dream”

“Yes. It is over now”

“What was it?” You turned to him; you took a moment to adjust to the dark before realizing he looked worried.

“Snakes. I was bitten by a snake”

“You must have thought of it because of what I have drawn on my back”

“I am sorry if I intruded before, I did not mean to stare”

“You are my wife, the least I can do is allow you to look at me”

To that you answered with a small smile. 

“Did the snake do anything else in your dream?”

“Well, there was a lot of them. But one was bigger, and he stared at me. He wrapped himself and…”

Ivar was looking at you with those eyes and you wanted him to put a hand under your dress. You wanted him to wrap you in his arm and fill you with his finger, his tongue and his…

“Are you afraid of snake?” You were truly sinful. Even if he was your husband you couldn’t think those things, you had to renounce your faith once in Kattegat, but this wasn’t how you were raised. Snake of the devil, it wasn’t how you should feel about a man.  
But you answered truly, because you were still drunk and the way he looked at you made you even more intoxicated.

“No Ivar, I am not scared right now”

On that you lowered your face to his level and you both looked at each other, not moving. Until he raised a hand and caressed your cheek with a hesitant finger before almost immediately moving back. Just like that he looked almost vulnerable. 

“We have just met (Y/N), but would you love me one day”

You took a long time before answering.

“I hope I will” 

He got closer and you closed your eyes, thinking that he would kiss you, but he simply kissed your forehead and once again turned around and fell asleep. The snake on his back looking at you before you let yourself once more dream. 

\--

In the morning Ivar had already left the room when you woke up. 

One of your handmaidens walked in and you asked her to make you a bath. Before she could go you asked that she bring Caroline to help you wash. “at once milady”  
You decided to skip breakfast all together, preferring to ignore the presence of the northman for the morning, knowing that in a couple of hours they would be all you could see. The water was very warm but since the room was cold it felt good on your skin. You closed your eyes for a minute.

“you asked for me lady (Y/N)”

You opened your eyes and then smiled softly at her. 

“Yes, Caroline, Would you please help me wash my hair”

“At once” She went behind you and got to work. You had just washed them but knowing how long you would be at sea who knew when was going to be the next time you would see a bath.

“Caroline, may I ask you a question”

“of course, your grace” Her finger felt good on your scalp and the water relaxed your muscle like you wish they would.

“What do you know about love?” you turned to see her face. She looked like she was searching for an answer.

“Well… I don’t know anything except for what has been said to me.”

“And what is it?”

“That it is like the first flower of spring and like health in sickness”

“So…”

“it is hope”

“And who told you that? Was it your mother?”

“My mother died when giving birth to me your grace. It was my brother who did”

“Your brother? So, it was a man who told you that” You turned to face her.

“Yes, we were very close but one day he left during the night. My father was furious, and they searched everywhere for him. He came back after he got married. You see, my brother went behind my father’s back to marry a common girl, even if he was supposed to marry a noble girl from Austria. When I asked him why that’s what he told me it felt like”

Disappointed you turned once again. 

“So his love was his choice”

“Well, yes. But my father loved my mother he said and it was an arranged marriage”

You paused. She was a sweet girl, but she didn’t knew that.

“You will love King Ivar your grace. I am sure of it” she added. On that note your body tensed up, she was less stupid than you thought.

“Are you done with my hair?”

She sighed “Yes”

You grabbed your bathrobe and got out of the bath but as she was leaving you had a thought.

“Are you promised to someone lady Caroline?”

“No, your grace, my father hasn’t searched yet.”

“Is there something keeping you from leaving England?”

“Well, I am at the queen’s service” she paused and continued “No one else”

That was the answer you wanted. You smiled.

“would you say that you enjoy my company?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And how would you like to accompany me to Kattegat”

She froze. This news didn’t seem to enchant her, unable to hide the emotions that crept up on her.

“Do not worry sweet Caroline, if once in Kattegat you do not like it, I will not keep you from coming back to England. I will even try to convince my mother to send you back to France if that is what your heart desire. I only wish to have a friend with me on the trip” at the mention of France you saw stars in her eyes. “Since you are technically in my mother’s court, I will ask her first but I do not see why she would refuse so if your answer is yes, go at once take what you need, we have a long journey ahead.” She simply answered with a wide smile and almost ran out of the room. You took it as a yes. 

You usually asked the help of someone to get dress, but you enjoyed the silence for once and took it upon yourself to get dress. You looked in the mirror of the chamber one last time, making sure to put the poison in your dress. 

It was weird, you were married and yet, you didn’t feel any different. Even after yesterday you were still terrified, only now the feelings were confusing as he was also welcomed in unholy dream. 

“I asked that they bring warmer clothes from my country, for you”

Ivar was at the door and you jumped a little, feeling intruded upon in your daydream.

“Thank you my king, it is most kind”

He didn’t say anything. He looked sad, that’s it, that was the emotion you also saw last night, not anger. Was your marriage as much of a tragedy for him than it was for him?

“Do you need something from me?”

He shook his head before turning away. You waited before the sound of his crunches were further away before peaking out the door to saw how he walked. At your surprise right before turning the corner of the hallway he turned around and you locked eyes. 

Normally you would have hid but something kept you from doing it. Instead you kept looking him, even far away you could see it, this sadness. It was him who finally kept on walking.

You waited a little before headed out yourself, you had something to ask to your mother.


	5. A stranger in Kattegat

Convincing your mother to lend you Caroline was easy enough. Once on the boat, before you even left, she was already talking to some northmen. It was refreshing, her happiness, her will to love everyone. 

As the boat left the dock you gave one last glance to your country, wondering if you would ever see it again. Your mother gave you a sympathetic look, so did your father. You saw her give you a nod, as to acknowledge everything that would now happen, everything that you could do something about and everything you couldn’t. 

“You can sit in the middle my lady, we will be going at once” one of the men told you and you did, followed soon by Caroline who gave you a smile which you did your best to replicate.

During the journey you glanced at your husband while he wasn’t looking, trying to decide what was now going through its head.

The journey was bad, boring and ugly. The food was horrid, not that you had any appetite. The northmen did their best to accommodate you, some even telling you stories about the land you were heading to, their gods and celebration. You tried to listen, and you did appreciate their tales, but you kept getting distracted by a sickness that crept in your stomach. 

One day you threw up overboard and saw that Ivar seemed to chuckle before you gave him an angry look, not thinking twice about it. Caroline came to you quickly.

“Oh your grace, do you need help?”

“I need…” another wave hit you and you did your best to keep whatever came up, inside. “I need land”

“I have heard that some ladies throw up when they…”

“What?” you couldn’t help being annoyed, you were tired and sick, and nothing was going well.

“When they are with child, Queen (Y/N)! Wouldn’t you be with child? it would be such great news!” her excitement made you regret ever having the idea of taking her with you.

“Caroline, we are at sea. I am sea sick. And you. You are…” you took a deep breath before going further.

“Oh. I am sorry, I only…” she seemed shook by your attitude and it made you calm down.

“Do not worry about me. Why wouldn’t you go talk to Hvitserk, he seemed to like you.” She smiled and blushed. “ask him about their gods, it is good knowledge, tonight you could   
tell me what he said” 

She turned away at once and you saw, from the corner of your eyes, that they were already talking.

You sat down and closed your eyes, trying, once again, to stop feeling so sick. You opened them when you felt someone sitting down next to you.

“The sea is not fit for an England girl?” It was Ivar.

“Caroline is doing good. I think it is just me who is not fit for the sea” Ivar chuckled, and you turned to him. 

“You don’t smile a lot do you?” you didn’t knew what came up to you to ask the question but sick as you were, if in a fit of rage he pushed you at sea and you drowned, it would be better.

“Well I am smiling now”

“You smile at my misery”

“Well… it is not misery if we are almost home” You got up in a hurry, and almost ran to the front of the boat. You could see land. It was very far, and you certainly would not touch grass for a couple of hours but it wasn’t endless blue and grey anymore. 

A boat near yours sounded an alarm which meant basically meant ‘land ahead’ and some men who were asleep woke up and cheered. 

“And besides, you haven’t seen me smile because you don’t look at me, that is all” Ivar told you, standing on his crutches.

But he didn’t know that you were watching him often when he wasn’t looking and that you knew that you were right. Yes, he smiled more than what you had made out about him from the tales but that didn’t mean you didn’t see that he was the saddest man you had ever seen in your life. But that, that you kept to yourself.

“Ready to land (Y/N)” the voice of Hvitserk resonated from the back of the boat and you excuse yourself to Ivar before rejoining him and Caroline.

“How long do you think? Before we arrive at your home”

“An hour, maybe two. Not too long. And beside it is your home now too, don’t forget that, the people of Kattegat wont”

“Do you think they will like me?”

Hvitserk gave you a smile. “Of course they will. Maybe some wont like the fact that you are a Christian but you might be able to convince them. Beside you are Ivar’s wife, those stupid enough to not like what he says or do are clever enough to do nothing about it”

On that note you realize Caroline worried look. You took her hand.

“My dear, I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again. You are in no obligation to stay. If the people do not like you and if you do not like them, you will be able to leave me…”

“And go back to Paris.”

You froze but managed to smile at her “Yes, back home” You couldn’t bring yourself to tell her that you didn’t discussed that part of the bargain to your mom. You’ll figure this out once the time would be right. She seemed to regain her happy face and got to the front of the boat herself, keeping a distance to Ivar, to look at the land. 

“Hvitserk would you promise something, even if we do not know each other very well, it would mean so much to me that you would promise me this.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“If people do not like me, tell me. Even if those are common people, even if is one of your brothers, even You. Even if…” you paused. “Even if Ivar tells you that he hates me, I wish you to tell me. I promise I would not make a scene out of it, but I do not want to be in the dark.”

“I will”

“thank you.” You gave one last look to your husband. To this stranger who was taking you away to a strange land. 

\--

Kattegat was green and grey. The people were nice, as soon as you set land a couple of women came to you, to greet you. Their smiles were great and it felt nice. Most women and some children were greeting the men who they had missed. You looked at the spectacle happily.

“Would you like me to show you to your chamber my queen”

The woman, young enough to be called a child in some places, had blond hair and a welcoming smile. She was taller than you, yet her youth made her look smaller. 

“Of course, thank you. Would you tell me your name?”

“Lageorta” You followed her to a tent. It looked small compared to your castle. Once inside you realized it was way bigger than it looked. It looked way cozier than the cold rocks of the walls of England. You touched hesitantly the furs on the chairs. 

“Would you like me to draw you a bath?” 

“Please, I feel so dirty I’m afraid I wont ever be clean again.” On that note Lageorta left the tent, leaving you alone. In the middle of the room there were three chairs, obviously for the king and queen, the other one might have been for his brothers. 

You felt compelled to march to the king’s chair, brushing slowly the fur with your finger. This was Ivar’s seat and yet in that moment, you would have sat in it if it wasn’t for the arrival of

“My queen” you turned to face Caroline followed closely was Hvitserk.

“Yes my dear? We have finally arrived.”

“Hvitserk told me that there will be a feast tonight”

“Lord Hvitserk” you corrected her. You knew it was probably him you asked her to call him by his name, but you knew that if she was to ever go back home she couldn’t lose her manner. And selfishly, if she did loose that, you were afraid to lose your home, she was home. “Of course, there will. We have travelled a long way. And even if it wasn’t for us there would still be one, King Ivar is back to them”

She bowed in response; it was her way to apologize about her manner. You saw hivsterk give her a small stroke on the arm.

“I have a favor, if I might ask?” 

“What is it?”

“Hvi… Lord Hvitserk has propose to show me Kattegat. I told him that you might need me but he insisted. If it is not a bother, would you allow me to go with him.”

Her shy look made you smile.

“No bother my sweet girl” you approached her to look at her more closely. “I want to ask Hvitserk something first, alone, I will ask him to join you soon after. In the meantime would you tend to the English guards who came with us, if they need something come back to tell me.” She smiled and went away.

You turned to Hvitserk and your smile faded. 

“Lord Hvitserk I might be young, but I am no foul”

“What do you mean?”

“Caroline is only just a girl. Beautiful I know, but only a girl. And she still belong to the English court. I do not want to offend but if my family found that a noble girl came into Kattegat and lost her honor before she came back it will be on me. Not to mention the French family who she is a part that might take offence to it.”

“noted.” He looked annoyed. You sighed, wondering if only minutes after entering your new world you had already lost an ally.

“Now go, she’s waiting for you I’m sure.” He turned back and once again you were alone. 

You saw Laogorta carrying buckets of water followed by other women helping her. You tried to thank everyone of them and to remember their faces, but it was going so quickly. Strangers were always going strangers if you didn’t feel home. 

Your bath ready, you undressed and got inside, you asked kindly the women to leave and once you felt truly alone you immersed yourself in the water completely. The water blocking the sound of Kattegat. You opened your eyes inside the hot water and the blurry vision of the outside looked like a dream. It was so calm inside you couldn’t even be bother by how scared you were after all. Your lunges started to slowing scream, but you felt the need to stay a little longer. Closing your eyes to feel the numbness inside your body.

A hand grabbed you and pulled you out. You gasped loudly, confused and cold. Ivar looked worried.

“Are you trying to kill yourself woman?” You couldn’t answer him, shocked by his fear. Worse than yours. 

“I’m fine” you managed to say, only then realizing how exposed your naked body was. You covered your breast with your hand and Ivar probably had the same thought because he took his hand from behind your neck and sat down on the ground. His back facing you. 

“I thought I was alone; I didn’t mean to scare you”

“You were waiting to be alone to drown yourself?”

“I wasn’t drowning.” He looked back at you and you saw it. It was only a small portion of what people had talked about but there was rage in his eyes, scaring, roaring rage. You hid more in the water, scared of whatever he might now do.

He got his crunches, got up and walked away without a word. You wanted to cry for you were terrified right now but couldn’t. 

\--

Later during the night, at the feast, Ivar ignored you. Not even a look. He did the same to everyone, but you knew it was you who caused it.

You drank your sorrows and watched Caroline dance, you declined politely to dance yourself but tried to enjoy other people’s enjoyment. Laogerta and the other women seemed to enjoy Caroline too and it pleased you to see her happy. You tried to imagine yourself in her shoes, loved and loving. 

You kept a close eye on Hvitserk and when you saw him walk from the feast with a common girl at his arm you felt relieved. But when you watched Caroline’s sadness form in her face once she saw it, you felt terribly selfish.

You drank a lot but not enough to face Ivar, so when he left, you considered sleeping in your chair, wondering If any of the guests would think twice about it.

“My brother is a difficult man” Ubbe sat down next to you, he was visibly drunk. 

“I wouldn’t know” it escaped your lips.

“You are married thought”

You turned to him. “Is that what they call it?” Ubbe laughed and you laughed yourself. 

“(Y/N), we might laugh but know that we do not wish you any harm, neither me or Hvitserk or…”

“Ivar?” you looked in his eyes and he seemed to be afraid. He was scared for you.

“You can sleep in my tent if you wish tonight, for he needs to calm down”

“The invitation is tempting but if a queen sleep in her husband’s brother bed the first day she arrives in a new country I doubt I will get the people’s favor.” You got up.

“My tent, not my bed” You smiled at him and walked to your chamber. The sound of the feast fading away and the feeling of your tears creeping up. In front of the door you were crying but no sound came out. You felt like you couldn’t breath. You took a hold on the door, holding your chest, trying to find a way to get air. 

The dress was loose and yet you felt it was too tight. 

You managed to find a breath and your posture soon followed. That is when you opened the door. Ivar, who was already in the bed, jumped and looked at you. Once again, your breath went away but this time it was too much for your body to handle and you fainted. Before hitting the ground, you heard Ivar scream for something.


	6. strenght

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A second night with a snake, this time, you see strenght.

One year ago.

“MOTHER” you were bawling inside your room. “Please, please tell me it is a farce, I cannot marry him.”

Your father had just announced you the plan to marry you to Ivar. When he did you managed to keep your composure but seeing your mother after, how much sadness was in her eyes, you realized you had every reason to feel the way you felt.

You buried your face in your hands, all the emotions were coming out at a pace you couldn’t follow. You were angry at your father, angry at your mother for not defending you, angry at your brother from not finding a better way to keep the peace. Your mother was silent, she didn’t cry. 

She forced your hands away from your face and replaced it with hers. She looked you dear in the eyes.

“I will die. I will kill myself before…”

“No.” You were shaking in between her hand and she kneeled at your level. “(Y/N), you will not. You will be a queen. You will be far greater than I ever was and if something happen you will make him pay with fire and blood. You have a strength that neither me, your father or your brother have, and you will one day see it. King Ivar will see it too.” You weren’t crying anymore but the shiver wouldn’t stop.

“I do not mother, I cannot” 

She brushed your hair behind your ears and kissed your forehead. “I love you my child, never forget what I told you.” On that she pulled you in a hug until the shiver stopped. 

\--

Today

When you woke up you recognized the room. You blinked a couple of time in the dim light. Sounds came shortly after, people were arguing. You couldn’t make up what they were saying but slowly you felt less and less dizzy. Someone was holding your hand and someone else was fanning your face.

“I need to know what happened when I left!” screamed Ivar, his voice was resonating so loudly it made your head pound.

“I told you she…”

“She’s waking up!” it was Caroline, she was the one holding your hand. Next to her Lageorta put down whatever she was fanning yourself with.

Your breath was steadying up and you tried to sit down on the bed, Ivar and Ubbe came closer.

“Careful my queen” Lageorta put a hand on your shoulder but you brushed her off.

“I am tired.” Everyone, exept for Ivar looked worried. Ivar looked angry. “Was I out long?”

Caroline smiled at you softly.

“Only a couple of minutes” You saw Ivar roll his eyes.

“May I have some water Lageorta please?”

“At once” she went away, and no one seemed to move during that time. They wanted you to speak but you had nothing to say, nothing to explain. You fainted because you were tired maybe, but it was the fear that really caused it, fear of your husband. 

Legorta came back and you made sure to drink all of it.

“Thank you, I feel much better” 

“Are you sure?” Ubbe looked much sober than he did when you two talked. But the way his body swayed made you question your perception of it. 

“Yes, you can go, I just need to sleep.” You grabbed Caroline’s hand as she was getting up. The gesture was subtle but sudden. You couldn’t help it. You were scared to be alone with him. He looked mad enough with everyone around, what would happen when they would leave? 

Caroline gave you a look that you didn’t recognized. She looked confuse yes but also there was an intelligence in her eyes, an understanding that you never saw before. But she left because it was what she was supposed to. 

Once everyone at left the room Ivar stayed sitting on the chair in the corner of the room, not saying a word, but looking at you.

“Can you stand up?” 

“I think so” 

He didn’t look mad anymore, he looked uncomfortable and when he turned his eyes to the side of the bed you saw the crutches and you realised what he was asking.   
Without a word you got up and took them to him. You gave it and your hands touched his. The way he looked at you, sitting. How small and innocent. If you didn’t know better you would kiss him, ravish him, taste him.

But he simply took them, and you helped him to the bed. Once sitting, you went to the other side and you saw the serpents on his back. He sighed and the snakes moved, you felt hypnotise.

He laid down and you were drawn from your daydream.

“I’m sorry” He looked at the ceiling.

“For what my king”

“My name is Ivar. Please, I beg you, call me Ivar.” You swallowed thickly. “And I’m sorry for scaring you”

You couldn’t answer that, you couldn’t lie, not in what was now your bed. 

His eyes turned to you. “I do not want you to get hurt and yet every time I am with you, I fear…” He almost, looked like he was about to cry, almost. “I cannot hurt my wife again”

He wasn’t talking about you. 

“I have not been hurt…”

He was shaking, it was worst than anger, this was the sadness, almost boiling his insides. 

You put your hands on either side of his face and at first he pulled back but you stayed there, looking in his eyes. 

“Ivar.” 

You kissed him. A sweet gentle kiss but not long after your lips parted to let his tongue enter. The kiss turned from sweet to fiery. Not long after you were on top of him straddling him. His hands went instantly under your dress. You undressed, breaking the kiss only to pull your dress over your head. You felt his member hardening under the wet spot between your legs. 

You undid his pants, but he stopped you before you could pull them off. Once again you looked his in the eyes and after a second, he let you. You didn’t care about his legs, neither now nor would you ever do. You reached down and finally let him penetrate you. 

You gasped at the feeling of being full for the first time. It felt uncomfortable at first, but he didn’t move, leaving you time to adjust before you could stroke his length by swaying your hips. 

That night you made love to the snake and you finally became his wife.

\--

“Are you…”

“Ivar, keep your questions about how I am feeling for when I am actually in a bad situation.” He smiled and you put your head back on his chest.

“I was actually going to ask something else but…”

“What is it?” You turned to him, a snarky look on his face.

“Now I don’t want to ask.” You punched him lightly on the shoulder and he faked being hurt before kissing you again.

“Alright if you insist. I was going to ask you about Caroline.” 

You squinted. “That wasn’t what was you were going to say!”

“You are right. First, I was going to ask if you are ok. But yes, I really wanted to know about her”

“I am more than fine.” His arms felt warm and soft around your naked skin. “and what do you want to know?”

“She wasn’t supposed to come at first, wasn’t she?”

“No”

“Then why is she here?”

“You do not like her?”

“No, I don’t mind her. I’m curious that’s all. Before you left your father had never mentioned that another woman was coming. Only the three guards who are with us.”

“That’s because I decided the day we were leaving to take her with me”

“She is a good friend of yours?”

“No. That’s not it.” You paused, the puzzled look on his face made you smile. “Now I would say we are somewhat friends, but I would not present her that way. I chose Caroline because…”

You didn’t know how to phrase it.

“When I saw Caroline for the first time, she was giggling like a little girl with all my other ladies. She looked so happy and dumb. The kind of innocence of someone who has never seen war or death. She always talked about pretty things, pretty boys and who she liked.” You were drawing circles on Ivar’s chest while talking. “She never cried, always smiles. She is hope, and one time she told me that love is hope. I need her to remind me that the sun still shines.”

“She is like sol.”

“Sol?”

“There is a goddess of the sun called Sol. She has a sister name Mani. They were so beautiful that their father named them after the sun and the moon and because of that the gods got angry. They made Sol and Mani carry both the sun and the moon with a carriage of horses. They say they ride quickly because there is two wolves chasing after them”

“Is a good thing to say that Caroline is like Sol?”

“Sol dies and her daughter has to carry on. I don’t think it is really a good thing” Disappointed you drew back from his chest and laid on your back. 

“So, you took Caroline because she is happy?”

“For one. But also, because she is home.”

Ivar got on top of you and kissed you. His kiss teased you for more, but he drew back.

“Kattegat is home” you didn’t had the strength to tell him that even if tonight you felt like you could love him, you knew that tomorrow the fear would probably be back and if it wasn’t tomorrow it would be the next time you would see him angry. For his anger is poison to your blood. And if fear stayed in you, Kattegat would never be your home.  
So you lied.

“Yes my dear Ivar. Kattegat is home” on that he kissed you and is tongue mangling with yours felt as though your whole body was melting. 

Your sleep that night was reckless, and you woke up multiple time. Each time you forgot where you were.


	7. First Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone hates and everything hurt

A month had passed. You had seen all the sides of the moon Kattegat could offer you. You had said goodbye to two guards who, after seeing that you were safe, went back.   
One guard stayed. Caroline also stayed. You didn’t had the courage to ask her if she wanted to leave because you were afraid that one day the answer would be yes. 

She would tend to most of your need and she seemed truly like the sun for the people of Kattegat. They adored her and she adored them. Some days you wondered if they didn’t think that she was the queen instead of you. But Caroline didn’t see it that way, the way she talked to you, always as If she admired you.

Your relationship grew and you started more and more to see her like your little sister. You cared and that’s why Hvitserk sometimes got on your nerves. You didn’t hate him, no. You hated that he could hurt her and make her delusion about love stop. 

As for Ivar, he was growing on you, his smiles and his laugh. You could hear them in your head whenever time was grey. But, something in you kept you from feeling more. You didn’t faint at the site of him anymore but whenever you heard his tone get louder or his face turn serious you could feel your bowels turn and your head throb. 

That’s why you never got rid of the poison. 

You didn’t carry it around everywhere you went anymore, in fact you managed to hide it in Caroline’s chamber without her noticing. Just in case Ivar would stumble upon it.  
Today Ivar had told you he had a surprise for you waiting in the field. He had ask you to get there around midday and so you did. 

When you arrived, there was Ubbe, Ivar and Hvitserk. All were armed. At first, the look of the blades made you hesitant. Maybe they had found the poison? Maybe they thought you were a criminal? Was it the end? But they smiled and so you got closer.

“Have I done something wrong?”

They laughed and Ivar pointed a sword at you.

“It is time (Y/N)! Time to learn.” He turned the sword around and, handle first, pointed and you took it hesitantly. 

The sword was heavy, and you almost fell forward. The brothers once again laughed but, probably because they could see you were embarrassed, they stopped. You managed to pull it up and looked Ivar with a smile.

“You want to train me?”

“Yes. You always tell me how defentless you feel here. Now you won’t feel this way.”

“Thank you”

They probably didn’t realize how weird it was for you to feel a sword between your hand. You, a noble girl from England. The sharpest thing that was ever put in between your finger were a pin and a needle. You felt powerful now, almost like you felt whenever you would touch the poison.

Hvitserk threw a shield at you that knocked your shoulder and made you drop the sword.

“OUCH! What was that for?”

“You have to take them both.” You gave him a furious look. He was not going to be a great teacher. Ivar maybe wasn’t aware of the war that was going on in between you two, about Caroline. 

You took the shield, that too was heavy. Then the sword, awkwardly holding both with both hands.

“You have to take one in each hand.”

Of course, you knew that, you had seen people fighting you weren’t dumb. But the motions felt so unnatural to you.

“It is really heavy.” You said as you dragged the sword on the ground, managing to keep the shield to your hip.

“Shield up!” Screamed Hvitserk. He didn’t wait and hit you with his sword. Fortunately, it was a wood sword. Unfortunately, it still hurt when you received the blow to your   
shoulder. Now both your shoulder’s hurt. 

“Careful (Y/N)” it was ubbe. You turned to Ivar who watched the scene, he didn’t look amuse anymore. 

“UP!” this time you dropped the sword and covered with the shield; the bow resonated but you were unhurt. 

“The trick is to not drop the sword.” 

“Hvitserk!” Ivar’s voice resonated but Ubbe stopped him from going further.

“Can’t you just show me how to hold it first?” you blurred out in between your teeth.

Hvitserk gave you a snarky look.

“You said you can’t, it’s too heavy.” He raised his sword and you hid behind your shield, giving a look at Ivar who, this time looked angry. 

His wooden sword never hit the shield. Something came up in you and you couldn’t stop it. You dropped the shield and grabbed the sword. Yours was real and you pointed it at Hvitserk. The blade was near his throat but Hvitserk didn’t look impress. You could feel the blood pumping in your veins.

“Am I holding it right?”

“(Y/N)…” it was Ubbe. You ignored him; you were looking at Hvitserk with a rage you never knew you had. You wouldn’t hurt him, you couldn’t, but at the same time your hand moved without command from your thoughts, getting the blade even closer to him, touching his neck slightly. The blade wasn’t sharp, it wouldn’t cut him, but your rage was so intense it could have. 

Hvitserk dropped his smile and you saw fear in his eyes and this time you recognized yourself. You dropped the blade at his feet.

“Thank you for the lesson” 

You turned away and ran. Ignoring your husband's call.

\--

Once in the town you hid under the hood of your dress and went frantically looking for Caroline. Trying your best not to be notice by the town’s people. You went in her chamber and didn’t find her, neither was she in yours. 

You finally found her in the market, talking with Lageorta who was cutting a pig’s corpse.

“Caroline” she turned around and smile, her sunny smile. But once she saw your face that smile faded.

“Your grace?” 

You took her hand and she followed. You went in her chamber carefully closing the door behind you.

“You are scaring me my queen, what is it?”

You sat on the bed and tried to control your breath. The rage was gone, now it was only fear. Caroline sat next to you and put her arms around you until you regain your spirit. 

“I need to ask you something. And I need you to answer to me truthfully, I will never blame you for the answer, but I still need to know.”

“I will. What is it?”

“Do you blame me for Hvitserk?”

She looked confuse.

“Hvitserk? What did lord Hvitserk do?”

“I made him not be close to you. You seemed to love him a lot and I cut him off from you. Do you blame me?”

Caroline moved back slightly, still looking confuse. 

“My queen, I cannot answer what I do not understand. Lord Hvitserk has been good to me but he is not the one who is making my heart run. I do not love him.”

Now you were confused.

“Then why does he hate me?”

Caroline once again hugged you.

“I’m sure he does not. How could he?” She took your face in her hand. A simple gesture but so familiar you felt taking back by it. 

She looked you in the eyes and you saw tears. They didn’t fall but they were present. Your sweet Caroline, the sun and happiness, she was filled with sadness now that she was by your side. You were cursed, Ivar was always going to be angry, Hvitserk would hate you, Caroline would be sad. You were the nightmare coming to Kattegat, nothing better would ever await you, not here not anywhere.

Then, 

Caroline kissed you. 

The kiss was quick, she pulled back in an instant and this time the tears really rolled down her cheeks. She tried to say something, but nothing came out and she simply stormed out of the room leaving you alone. You touched your lips, trying to find sense in what had just happened. 

It took a long time before you could find the strength to get up and when you did you had to find the poison, take it in your hand to find an answer. 

“Mother” you closed your hand on the poison and closed your eyes, trying to imagine what would your mother tell you in this situation. 

There was no answer.


	8. Two strangers shivering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet someone new and lose someone else

Once you got out of Caroline’s chamber you looked around, no one seemed to be looking for you. That was a good sign, yet you couldn’t go back.

Ivar would probably protect you from anyone’s opinion but even then, it wouldn’t save you from knowing all the misery you caused, all the anger. But most of all it wouldn’t protect you from yourself. You had felt something in yourself that you had never felt before, that rage.

You went to walk in the forest, away from the town, from their people. It was cold outside and as the sun faded so did the heat. You clutched your coat around your shoulder, but it couldn’t keep your bone to start to frost. 

Before nighttime you decided, against your fear, to go back but you were lost. You took the notion calmly at first, but it wasn’t long before you panicked. The trees all looked the same. And the frost started to form on their branches making them even more similar. You tried to warm your fingers, the tip of them starting to look blue. 

You knew that if you stayed it the forest you would die. The cold would take you. 

But you were lost. Lost and stupid. You almost laughed realizing how stupid this death would be for who. How incredibly dumbfounded your family would be, learning it.   
Your whole body was trembling, and you sat down, looking at the horizon, at the last gift from the sun that was slowly hiding itself. Then you thought about the kiss you just received from your sun. 

But when you closed your eyes it was Ivar who showed himself and it’s his smile that you saw. Not Caroline’s. And as the sun truly faded the guilt from knowing that you were the one who hurt her was too much and you started to cry. The tears froze on your cheeks.

You tried to get up but couldn’t, your feet were stuck, your toes too frozen to move. So, you chose to lay down, accepting your fate. You hid your face in your hood and let the shivers slowly rock your body to sleep. At once, it was a mix of sleep and a lost of consciousness that took you.

You dreamed of being a wolf, running after Caroline. 

Of fire and blood, of your mother.

You dreamed of being transported out of the forest in the arm of a strange man. But maybe that part wasn’t a dream.

\--

You woke up by a terrible pain in your feet and finger at first, but then that pain took your whole body. You had completely lost all feelings on your skin so as the fire slowly warmed you, the pain took you.

There was only one man in the strange tent. You were too weak to talk but the pain still caused you to move and so he got closer.

“Don’t worry, you’ll feel better soon.” 

He gave you water and then some warm stew. You waited, not wanting to push your body further than it had been pushed. So, you looked and felt. You realized you were almost naked, he had put your coat and your dress near the fire so they could warm up, leaving you only in your underdress. At first you felt uncomfortable at the notion of another man touching you but then again, he saved your life. 

“Do you know who I am?” you asked, making him turn around to face you. It was a genuine question. and you knew that, as the queen, your faith could change if he knew or not. 

“No. A lost girl in the wood I figured. Do you?”

You bit your lips, if he didn’t know, that meant he had no ulterior motives and that was good. But at the same time, he could do whatever he wanted, and he wouldn’t know that his actions could have consequences, mortal ones. But you decided against reviling your identity.

“Yes, I live in Kattegat”

“Not that far from here, I’ll help you get there tomorrow morning.”

Oh. So, you were lost not far from Kattegat. You were that stupid.

“Thank you.” He smiled and stirred the pot in which was the stew, not paying attention to you.

“May I ask your name ser?”

“Bjorn.” He didn’t look back and it was a good thing considering you knew him, and your face probably showed it. Well, you heard about him. He was your husband’s half brother and your husband hated him. 

“Bjorn Ironside is it?”

“Himself.”

“This is awkward now is it?”

He turned around. “How so?”

It was no use keeping your identity a secret now, he would know sooner than not.

“I’m (Y/N) from England.”

“England? That’s further than Kattegat” he joked, not fully understanding what you were getting at.

“I’m the queen of Kattegat. Ivar’s wife.” His smile dropped and he bit his cheeks, a serious look dropping on his face.

“and what was Ivar’s wife doing outside of the city?”

“I went on a walk and I got lost.” He obviously didn’t believe it but even then, he didn’t look fazed by it. 

“I heard that he had gotten married but I never, in a million years, believed he would accept to marry a Christian girl.”

“The marriage was political, has is the norm for girls in my position where I’m from.”

“Even then.” His gaze made you uncomfortable. You clutched the blanket closer to you.

“And may I ask about why you’re near Kattegat? I’ve only heard few things about you…”

“Good things I suppose” 

You didn’t try to hide your smile, he did not. 

“I wouldn’t go that far. But last I heard you were miles from here. Why are you back?”

He looked hesitant to talk further but to your surprise he continued.

“I need my brother’s help. I need him for…” he stopped, seemingly concentrated on the stew.

“We don’t need to talk further. You saved me; we can leave it at that for the moment. No need to start a war tonight. I only need to stop shivering and you need to hear me thank you. So, thank you. For tonight I’ll just be a stranger who lost herself in the forest and you will be another stranger one who saved her from dying.”

He seemed relieved and offered you a bowl of the stew for which you took. You two ate and slept and you managed to forget that this was not an ordinary situation. Tomorrow you’ll be obligated to not be a stranger to him, and you’ll have to face everyone you let down. 

\--

Bjorn lied; Kattegat wasn’t close. It took a couple of hours to go back. Once arrived you were hungry and tired. You daydreamed about your bed, the one in England.   
You walked in the marketplace and Lageorta stormed in front, she looked completely terrified. 

“My Queen!” She took a breath “We looked everywhere for you, where were you?”

“I simply got lost. A stranger helped me.” You lied and her gaze went to Bjorn who she obviously recognized but she didn’t say more.

“King Ivar… he…” Of course. Of course, he was furious. The first consequences of what you did was going to hit you.

“where is he?”

“The throne rooms.” You turned to Bjorn. He understood what you didn’t need to say so he turned back into the market. Bjorn was far from being in Ivar’s good side and so, if he came with you, who knew what would await him.

You almost ran to the room, Lageorta following you closely. 

Once inside it took a second for Ivar to see you, he looked furious, his face was red, and you saw that his knuckle was bloody. No one else was there.

“Leave us” he shouted at Lageorta who gave you a quick glance before fleeing. You hesitated before getting closer. The sound of Ivar’s crutches resonating on the wood. You closed your eyes, waiting for a hit, a scream, anything.

He hugged you, burying his face in your neck.

“I love you (Y/N)” The words hit you harder than anything ever could. 

You wanted to say it back, but the words were stuck in your throat. He kissed your neck gently and you started crying.

“Come” 

He went to the throne and sat on it, pulling you on to his laps. You kept crying while he cradles you, stroking your hair and giving you small kiss on the head.

So, that was love. It was never hope, never like the sun. Caroline was wrong. Love was a place, for now you felt like whenever you went, if Ivar was there, it would be home. But, if it was love, why couldn’t you stop crying.

“I was so worried…”

“I’m sorry Ivar. I don’t know…”

He shushed you, so you wouldn’t start to panic and try to explain before you were ready. It took a long time, but you managed to talk.

“I thought you were angry, I thought Hvitserk hated me and Caroline…”

“That’s why you ran?”

“I didn’t ran away, I got lost.”

“Please don’t do it again. Please.” His eyes were filled with tears and you kissed him to stop yourself from crying. 

“Where are they?” 

“I don’t know.” He looked truly apologetic.

“I need to talk to them and Ivar, I’m sorry, but there is something you need to know.” You got up. “It’s your brother.”

“which brother, ubbe or Hvitserk?”

“neither.” 

he swallowed thickly, and his eyes narrowed while he clenched his jaw.

“What has he done?”

“He is the one who saved me from dying in the woods yesterday.”

Ivar narrowed his eyes, looking for a way to react but only managing to punch his chair with his damaged hand.

“He wants to speak with you.”

“Well I don’t want to speak to him.”

“Please, if it wasn’t for him, I would be dead.”

He shook his head but ultimately never said no. So, you turned around to walk out but midway you turned back.

“I love you too Ivar”

Ivar’s face lit up a little, but you couldn’t watch him longer because you had to find the others, make it right by them. 

Getting out of the room you saw Bjorn, casually waiting near the door. You nodded at him and he entered. You imagine a fire burning.

\--

Finding Hvitserk was easy, he was in his chamber. You jumped at the look of him, if you thought Ivar’s hand looked bad, Hvitsertk’s face was worse. 

“You’re back?” he looked angry and uncomfortable. 

“Bjorn found me.” 

He raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. You got closer and approached a hand to his bruised eye.

“I can see he didn’t miss.” Hvitserk chuckled and so did you.

“Hvitserk do you remember the promise you made me when we first arrived?” he didn’t answer. “I know I kept you from Caroline but that doesn’t mean you can treat me this way.”

He turned and sat down on his bed, looking to his window.

“I love her.” Your heart clenched, was it your place to talk? To tell him about Caroline’s feeling.

“Do you really?” 

“I think so.” 

You sat next to him. “There is no questions in love Hvitserk. I don’t think you do.” It was false, you believed his feelings, but it would be easier for everyone if you were right.

He sighed and rubbed his healthy eye. 

“Doesn’t matter now anyway, does it?” you gave him a puzzled look.

“Why? Why now?”

“Ivar didn’t tell you?” you got up, apprehending what he was going to say.

“She’s leaving with your English guard; they’re supposed to be gone now.” The word ripped through you like a lightning bold. 

You ran to the dock. 

No, no, no. She couldn’t leave, she couldn’t. If she left, you’d be alone. Even with Ivar, even if she loved you… even if it hurt her. You couldn’t be alone. It was selfish but she couldn’t leave you, you wouldn’t leave her so why would she. 

The boat had already left, or so you thought. You got on your knees and started crying. Some bystander stopped by, but you couldn’t talk, couldn’t explain. It hurt too much. She didn’t even said goodbye.

She didn’t even said goodbye.

You looked at the sun, it was hiding in the clouds and it was so cold.


	9. No mercy from gods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline

For three weeks following Caroline’s departure you kept to yourself in your chamber. You didn’t eat and barely slept. You felt weak but you couldn’t help it. 

Her gone hit you like a sword in the chest, and you needed to recuperate. Ivar tried his best to help you, but you were angry at him. Why didn’t he try to stop her? He knew what she meant to you. After a while he stopped bothering, only coming at night to sleep.

One morning it was Bjorn who came in the room. He gave you some water that you put on the night table without drinking. He didn’t talk.

You saw him putting a hand in his coat and he put the poison next to the drink.

The poison that you forgot about. He probably found it in your close that night he saved you in the woods.

“Does Ivar know?” you asked nonchalantly.

He shook his head. “No”

“will you tell him?”

“Do you plan on killing him?”

“No.”

“Then I wont.” He turned around to leave but you had a different plan.

“Did he tell you anything?” 

“About what?”

My sun.

“Caroline”

“It’s hard enough to talk to him as it is.” He saw the tears filling your eyes. “no. I’m sorry”

“And Hvitserk? How is he.”

“Normal, he doesn’t talk much.”

You sighed and waved at him to leave and he did. You took the poison in your hand and got to the window. The thoughts were coming so fast. You wanted someone to pay for what had happened because taking the blame was too much and yet no one was really at fault except for you. 

Suddenly you heard a scream coming from the market. At first you didn’t think twice but the scream got louder, and more and more people joined. You took your coat and ran out of the room.

You tried to go as fast as you could, following all the people who were also walking to see what all the commotions was about. As you got closer you were able to make out that it was a woman screaming, it was a loud cry, pain filled the sound.

Near the forest’s entry was a crowd, the screaming woman was hidden by them.

“What’s going on?” the man in front of you recognized you and let you pass. You saw a distraught look on his face. You pushed through the crowd and what you saw shocked you to your core.

A town’s woman had wrapped the screaming girl in her coat but from what you could make out of the scene her dress was ripped, her hair was matted and dirty. Her blond hair, shiny like the sun. She didn’t look like herself, she was completely terrified, grabbing on the older woman like her life dependent on it. 

She turned to you, splatter of blood covering her face.

“Dear lord in heaven.” You couldn’t help it; the words came out themselves.

You got to your knees and with the help of the other woman carried Caroline to the throne room.

\--

She had already lost consciousness when you managed to get her on the bed.

“Go fetch king Ivar.” the woman nodded and was about to get out, but you took her arm.

“And his brothers.” You paused to look her in the eye. “all three of them”

Your blood was boiling, and you needed all the power you could get from Kattegat in order to make it right. Poor Caroline was bloody all over, covered in bruises and cuts. None seemed life threatening but one on the right side of her neck had you worried, although it didn’t seem to bleed anymore.

You fetch the water and a rag and started to wash the blood off her. You made sure to stay careful, and you took a mental picture every time you saw a cut that was hers.   
At the time Ivar and his brother entered the room the water bucket was completely red.

“(Y/N)?” Ubbe’s voice left you to think that they didn’t knew what had happened.

“Is that…” Hvitserk didn’t finish his question, you didn’t give him the time.

“You told me she was gone.”

“She told me she was going away to France, I believed…”

You turned around, holding the rag dripping bloody water on the ground.

“YOU BELIEVED WRONG!” you were ready to strangle him. If he hadn’t made you think that she was gone you would have looked for her and she maybe wouldn’t be in the state that she was in right now. Hvitserk’s eyes went wide when he saw her.

“What happened to her?”

“What happened? Are you serious?” you got closer and in a rage fit, threw the bloody rag at him. “What in hell do you think happened? YOU HAPPENED!” that was the click. You had to put the blame on him, you couldn’t do better. You knew he wasn’t the one who hurt her but, indirectly, now, it was him.

“No, I didn’t…” he looked shocked, looking around the room, trying to find what to say.

You didn’t know what took you, you just threw yourself at him, you had to hurt him. But, before you could even touch him, Bjorn stopped you, holding both of your arms behind your back. You fought back a little, but Bjorn was way stronger than you and you just got on your knees, looking at Hvitserk from the ground.

“I will hurt you for this, believe me.”

“Ubbe, get him out of here.” Ubbe walked Hvitserk out of the room and Bjorn finally let you go. You stayed on the ground. 

Ivar walked to the bed where was Caroline. “is she dead?”

You shook your head, still looking to the ground. “no.” Bjorn took you by the arm and sat you next to her. There were twigs and dirt in Caroline’s matted hair. You tried to get a small branch out but feared that, because it was so tangled, it would hurt her so you drew back your hand. 

Ivar sat next to you and after a while held your chin with one hand for you to look at him.

“Do you really think my brother did this?”

You started crying and jumped in his arms. He held you with a strong grip, kissing your head.

“It’s not him (Y/N).” Bjorn’s tone was serious.

“Of course, I know it’s not him.” You hissed. “But if he hadn’t made me believe she was gone…” You got up and looked at her face.

“I’ll hurt whoever did this.” You looked at your husband. “I will make him regret being alive, for he does not deserve to feel anything but pain after what he did to my sweet Caroline.” 

Ivar lifted his chin, he looked apologetic but also somewhat proud. 

“I’ll go talk to Hvitserk.” You didn’t look from Caroline’s body until Bjorn was gone. You simply fetched another rag and continued cleaning her.

“I can’t believe I blamed her for leaving me.”

Ivar took your hand and kissed it.

“She’s here now, you’re going to be okay.”

“But she wont. She’s not going to be okay.” You cleaned around the cut on her neck, it looked like she dodged an arrow to the throat, having it scrapped the side of it instead. 

“Do you still love me?” you asked, looking at his eyes bluer than the sea.

“More than anything.” He once again kissed your hand. His answer didn’t make you smile. You loved your husband, Ivar your moon and home. But for the next part you didn’t needed him, you needed Ivar the boneless, the one you used to fear.

“Then, would you do something for me?” he nodded, he knew what you were going to ask but you continued. “Help me find who did this and then help me hurt him. Keep him alive until I can look him in the eyes while he begs for mercy.”

Ivar gave you a dark smile. You recognized Ivar the boneless and you weren’t afraid.


	10. Fire and blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first scar

In the week following Caroline’s return you kept by her side every moment of the day. The first three days you even slept by her side but Ivar convinced you to leave her with Laegorta because alone with her you were afraid to close your eyes, leaving you so tired and frail it wouldn’t matter if someone came back for her, you would be no help.

Caroline sometimes woke up and you tried to feed her and make her drink when it happened, but she was always so panicked it was a miracle whenever you could do it. You had changed her to a clean dress and detangled her hair with the help of Laegorta. 

Laegorta also seemed devastated by Caroline’s state, praying for her to the gods whenever she could. In secret you would think about your god, asking him to help your sun, because even if you had to renounce him, Caroline didn’t.

“She’ll come back; I know it.” Laogorta would sometimes say. Keeping her faith close to her heart. You would, occasionally, catch her whispering something in Caroline’s ear.  
In Kattegat, rumors started circulating. Some would talk of wolves, some of a lone killer, some of a rival’s group. Caroline was loved in Kattegat, so no one joked about what happened but at the same time no one was actively looking for the one responsible, and that made your furious.

Seven days later you went to see the the seer. At the sight of him you hesitated, there was no one that ever looked like him in your land. Before you could say anything, it spoke.

“Queen (Y/N), you finally decided to pay me a visit.”

“Yes, it is time.” You sat down in front of him, looking at this face with no eyes. 

His smile was unsettling, it took a long time before he spoke.

“What do you wish to know?”

“I want to know what will happen to Caroline, to my friend. Will I find who did this.”

“You will find more than what you asked my queen. The gods love the wrath in you, they will give you three marks to remember it. only then will you find where to begin.”

“Will she be okay?”

“The sun shines only after the rain, and sometimes it shines so hard it burns the eyes of the one who look at it.”

“What do you mean.” The seer laughed and offered you a hand. You hesitated but you knew what to do, you licked it, unsatisfied by his answers and left.

\--

After ten days, you were supposed to go to your chamber, but you kept having a bad feeling throughout the day, so you decided to stay. Ivar wasn’t happy by your decision but there was no reason to fight about it, he wouldn’t win. As the night grew, you told Laegorta to go sleep in her tent, hoping that she would sleep enough for the both of you.

You dozed off a couple of time, your head falling on the bed but every few minutes you would wake up. You’d close your eyes, but sleep wasn’t fast enough, and every single sound woke you up.

That’s why the man who entered the room had you on your feet instantly. He was armed with a sword and an axe. At first you froze, hoping he was one of your husband’s man but by the look of him he wasn’t a foe.

“What are you doing here?” 

He didn’t answer so you grabbed an axe that was left near the bed. It was heavy but you managed to hold it high enough for him to see.

“Get out of here.” He smiled and got closer. You screamed and put yourself in front of Caroline, trying your best to protect her. When he was close enough you threw a bucket at him, he avoided it with ease, only getting closer. 

“IVAR!” you screamed, hoping someone would hear you. As a last resort you threw the axe, it lodged itself in his leg and he screamed in surprise, dropping his sword. The bow may have hurt him but now he looked angrier. He hit you with the back of his hand and you fell on the ground. 

“Get out the way you bitch.” He lifted his sword to Caroline’s chest but you quickly grabbed the axe stuck in his thigh and pushed on it. The man fell on his knee and aimed the sword at you. You moved out the way but the sword managed to cut through your hand. You screamed in pain and pulled the axe. 

The stranger started to bleed at a rapid pace. That’s when multiple other man, this time all of them you knew, got in the room. One grabbed the man. Ivar arrived shortly after and you ran in his arms.

“What happened here?” he roared. 

“Should I kill him?” one of the Viking asked. Ivar nodded.

“NO! Stop!” you screamed. You looked at his bleeding leg. You went to the fire and held his sword in it long enough to see it become red. “Hold him”

When you cauterized the wound, he screamed. He lost consciousness by the time you were done. You went back to your husband. 

“He did this?” he looked at your bleeding hand. You nodded. Ivar’s face shifted. 

“A man comes in my kingdom and thinks he can hurt my wife? Kill my wife’s friend?” he started to scream to everyone. “I’ll have his head on a spike.” His tone made some men flinch; other’s cheered.

“I want to know why he wanted to kill her. Certainly, he works for somebody else.” You had to calm him down or else no information would ever come from it.

“He will not have a quick death believe me; he’ll have plenty of time to tell me everything he knows. And once he does, we will find and murder everyone who think they can disrespect my kingdom this way.”

The stranger started to come back, moaning in pain. Ivar got closer to him and one of his man took him by the hair and lifted his head so he could look at him.

“You’ve made a horrible mistake; do you know I am.” The man didn’t answer, his eyes looping in and out of reality. “I can’t wait to show you what I will do.”

Ivar looked at you and you raised you chin proudly.

“I’ll avenged you my love and I’ll avenged your friend.” He turned to his guards, hit his chest with his fist and with a strong voice added: “Will you?” They cheered him on hitting their shield with their swords. But even if all eyes were on him, Ivar the boneless was looking at you.

Finally, you saw what your mother told you a long time ago. That strength she mentioned wasn’t about the axe in the killer’s leg or the way you managed to protect Caroline at the price of your life. That strength came from the fact that even in a room full of strong man, the most fearsome one was looking at you for approval.

That night, after the guard had locked the stranger in a cell and you made sure Caroline was protected by others you went with Ivar to your chamber and made love to him with a passion that would make gods shivers. 

When he finished, he held you tight, and whispered in your ears that he loved you. That night you decided that you would never go back to England. Your home would always be in his arms and you would never want it otherwise. Even if Caroline decided to go back, if she ever got better, you wouldn’t be able to.

The affection you had for her would never go away, but it was too late. You knew that after finding everything that happened, after avenging her, it wouldn’t be about Caroline anymore. it was too late, a path had started, and you had to finish it. 

Still, before going to sleep you prayed to your old god, in case he loved her like you did. 

\--

In the morning you found Hvitserk by Caroline’s side. 

“What are you doing here?” he jumped and turned around to face you.

“I heard what happened last night.”

You tugged on the rug you had wrapped around your hand. Trying your hardest not to react harshly. You hadn’t spoke since she came out of the woods and even if you weren’t angry with him anymore, that anger could resurface anytime. 

“Did she wake up today yet?”

“Yes. I gave her something to drink and she even ate a little.” 

“that’s good.” You walked to your usual place, a chair where you had Lageorta put multiple furs and pillows on in order to be comfortable. Hvitserk looked distraught. You couldn’t blame him, the sight of the emaciated body of Caroline, almost lifeless, was horrible. 

“Lageorta believe she will wake up for good soon.” He said hopeful.

“Lageorta believed it ten days ago. She was wrong every day since.” 

You hadn’t lost hope but every day had made It harder to believe what the seer had said. You believed in the rain but the sun wouldn’t eat or drink enough to survive more days of rain.

“I will find who did this. He will learn what we do with our enemies in Kattegat.”

You smiled at him. “We will, I have no doubt.”

Caroline coughed and you quickly grabbed water and gave it to her. She drank a little and looked at you while you stroked her hair. Once again you saw the panic in her eyes. Every time she would wake up it was like you were part of her nightmare. You kissed her forehead.

“You are safe now my sweet girl.” Hvitserk looked like he was about to cry.

“Hun… hungry.” You nodded and got her food. She didn’t look completely lucid but recognizing her bodies pain was a good beginning. It didn’t take her long to fall back asleep and you sighed, still cradling her head. 

“We will find him and when we do…” you clenched your fist and you stopped once you realizing you were bleeding out of your damaged hand. “He’ll pay in fire and blood.” 

Hvitserk got closer to you and you took his hand, placing it on top of Caroline’s. You left them, not wanting to waste anymore time.

\--

The stranger was already dead when you got to the crib. Ivar proudly presented you his head, you didn’t flinch an inch at the sight of him, covered in blood. Something in his mad eye and the look of absolute terror on the dead man’s head awoke something primal in you. If it wasn’t for the couple other guards in the room, you would have taken him right then and there. 

“Well. Did he speak?”

“he wouldn’t have the mercy of being dead if he hadn’t” 

“When do you leave?”

“Soon” 

You got on your knees and kissed your husband before taking the stranger’s head by his hair and holding it high in front of everyone.

“My lords! will you avenge this attack on my husband’s kingdom?” they cheered. “Will you avenge my dear Caroline?” once again they cheered. You unwrapped your hand and showed the cut to them. “Will you avenge me?” the cheers got louder, and Ivar clapped, looking at you with lust in his eyes. 

You dropped the head, watching it roll away. “Fire and blood my lords, fire and blood.”


	11. Hard to hate

The group responsible for taking away Caroline was, according to the dead killer, working for an Earl called Earl Waller. The stranger had admitted to Ivar that the earl had asked him to kill Caroline and come back, he hadn’t been told anything else.

The days following the incident you’d prefer to plot the attack instead of taking care of Caroline. Laegorta wouldn’t leave her side and Hvitserk would regularly pay her a visit. One night you were fast asleep next to your husband when someone knocked on your door in a frantic way.

You jumped out the bed and opened it, not caring to cover yourself with more than the nightgown you were already wearing. Laegorta looked panicked.

“What is it?” you could hear your heart in your chest. Pumping so hard he would have come out if she took longer to speak.

“She’s awake!” She took your hands in hers. “She’s completely lucid my queen.”

You smiled and turned to Ivar who was already putting on his braces. 

“I’ll meet you there.” he smiled at you. 

You nodded at him and took your coat before frantically following Laegorta to the room. 

“Hvitserk was already there, He woke me up to tell you.” 

At the sight of Caroline, sitting instead of laying in the bed, your breath stopped. It had been almost three weeks since you had seen her awake for more than a minute.

You ran to hold her in your arm. You were afraid to break her but couldn’t undo your grip. You needed to feel her hugging you back, it needed to be real.

“Don’t leave me again.” You whispered in her ear.

When you pulled back you realized that she was crying.

“Do you need something? Does it hurt?” you approached your finger to her neck, looking at the bandage around it.

She shook her head and bit her lip. “Is he dead?” she started crying. You turned to Hvitserk and then laegorta, they both shrugged. Was she aware of what had happened?

“Yes, Ivar killed him three days ago.” She looked horrified.

“WHY?” she took her face in her hands. “Why would he kill him, he was..."

“Who are you talking about Caroline?” Hvitserk got closer.

“Ser Thomas.” Both Laegorta and Hvitserk looked confused but you understood. You closed your eyes and sighed. You had realized that the guard that stayed was gone but since Caroline had returned, it hadn’t come to mind that if she had been kidnapped, he would have been too. 

“He hasn’t come back my dear. I’m sorry” She was absolutely devastated, clinging on to you like the day she came back. 

You took her face in your hand. “You need to tell us what happened.”

At that she stopped crying, her jaw clenched, and her nails dug into your skin. Petrified. 

“Monsters took us. They had long claws and they cursed us. They sung in a language I couldn’t understand.” She stopped. Hvitserk shot you a look. “Ser Thomas helped me escape but they found him. I hid in the forest at night and I heard him scream. I could have helped him, but I… I was so afraid. And they already hurt me”

“It’s not your fault.” Laegorta took her hand, stroking her arm gently. 

“Monsters?” 

You were so concentrated on her tale that you didn’t hear Ivar come in. Her eyes were blood shot, you weren’t sure she was as lucid as Laogorta told you earlier. 

“What did the monsters told you?”

“I told you, I couldn’t understand, I just know I was cursed.”

“And apart from the ‘claws’, what did they looked like?” 

“They were all painted black, their skin looked like the scales of a snake. Their nails were so sharp.” She tugged at the bandage on her neck. “I screamed, asked to stop but they didn’t care. Monsters I tell you.”

“There’s no monsters Caroline.” Ivar got closer. Caroline looked ready to implode. 

“Your gods are monsters.” Caroline hissed. Laegorta gasped and you were shocked. A minute ago she was crying and trembling but now, it was like she was possessed. She threw the water glass at Ivar’s face. He caught it easily, a few drops of it dripping down his face. 

His anger showed.

“Ivar…” you whispered in between your teeth. What she did was more than wrong, but she was obviously still in shock and delusional. There was no need to start a fight.   
Caroline tried to get up but failed down, her weaken legs unable to hold her. “I’ve seen it, all of them, Monsters” 

“You do not want to start with me little…” Ivar would have punched her unconscious if you hadn’t intervened

you put a hand on his chest and screamed: “ENOUGH! Hvitserk and Lageorta stay with her. I’ll walk the king to his chamber.” 

You saw him clench his fist and jaw, considering going further but ultimately, he turned around and walked out the room while you followed.

“She does not get to talk to me that way, hurt or not” he punched the door behind him as it closed. “You Christans you think…” he turned and stopped when his gaze met yours.

“We what Ivar?”

“It’s not you.” His voice was softer.

“No but you started it. So now finish. What are we?”

“(Y/N)…” he pinched his lips together, holding his anger behind his blue eyes.

“I am not a Christian anymore. You do not get to talk to me this way, to redirect your anger toward me. You never…” you thought about the poison in your drawer. “I am your wife Ivar, I am now as much of a Viking as you are. If you want to fight, let’s fight, but don’t think that I am still the one that was sold to you like a dog. Not now, not ever.”

“What are you talking about? What do you mean like a dog?”

“I might love you now Ivar, I might be ready to die and kill for you, but this marriage was not my choice, you bought me.”

“No, I…”

“I was an offering from my father to keep the peace, don’t deny it to yourself. And with this offering, I agreed to leave all of what I ever knew for you. Before I even loved you. Now that I do, I ask you to please let me have this one thing and she does not have to change all she ever had just to please you.”

“My gods are not monsters.” He grumbled.

“Ivar, she’s obviously traumatized, she’s talking nonsense.”

“Is she?” He turned his head to the side, looking at you in a threatening way.

You unwrapped your bandage hand. The wound was dry, but the pain was present enough to feel it whenever you moved your hand. The skin was pulling around it and you tried to hide it as much as possible whenever you could, to prevent any infections, but in this case, you needed proof that Ivar wasn’t turning against you. You inspected the rag   
Laegorta had use to cover your hand, there was some dry blood on it.

“I am the proof she is.” You god closer to him, touching his face gently with your hand. “This is the proof.” His looked softened but now he was unable to look you in the eyes. “I love your gods Ivar, I really do. Let me love them, let Caroline love hers.”

He kissed you. “I hate how you make me feel”

You smiled. “And how do I make you feel”

“You make it so hard for me to hate.” He went to sit on the bed. “When me and my brothers agreed that the best course for me to succeed was to marry a England girl I hated it. The notion of marrying a Christian made me furious. I even thought about…” he sighed. “Finding another way around this marriage, make it… end sooner. But when I saw you… I… I couldn’t. You were so sweet and scared; I knew I would never be able to hurt you. Then you became…” he looked at you. “I love you, so much.”

“You wanted to kill me?”

“I…” he shook his head and lowered his gaze.

You went to your drawer and pulled the poison. You threw it at him, and he caught it mid air. He inspected it, looking for an answer.

“What is it?”

“My mother gave it to me the day you arrived in England. It’s poison.”

“For me?”

“Used to be.” You kneeled in front of him, “I love you, so much too. You don’t even know. But if you ever talk to me like you did, if you ever treat me like a price you bought, telling me I have to pretend to never having a life before you, I will show you how cruel I can be.”

You realized that your hand had started to bleed again, and you unclenched your fist to hold it to his face, leaving a bloody print on his cheek.

“You are a Viking (Y/N), I love a Viking woman.” He kissed you. “A cruel and wonderful woman.” He kissed your hand and you hissed at the pain. You tasted your blood on his lips. 

As you got on top of him the poison rolled under the bed.

\--

In the early hours of morning you were woken up by a frantic knock on your doors. Ubbe didn’t wait for you to ask anything.

“You need to follow me.” 

Ivar was sitting on the bed, not even looking like he had just been wakened up.

“Both of you.” 

You quickly helped Ivar put on his leg braces, he minded at first, but you shushed him. Ubbe refused to tell you more, saying that you needed to see what had happened for yourself.

He led you to the marketplace, as you approached, you began to realize you were getting closer to the place Caroline had been found almost a month ago.

You saw, hidden in the forest what looked like a tree with no leaves. You squinted trying to make out what it was.

It wasn’t a tree. It was a cross, a man sized cross and there was a naked man nailed to it. His eyes were pointed at the sky and whoever did this had put a crown of thorn on the naked man’s head. There was laceration all over his body, blood covering most of his skin. 

“We know who did this.” Ubbe turned to Ivar.

You got closer, It was Ser Thomas. He looked very young nailed like that. You examined the cross from the front in all its violence. Then you got behind it and closed your eyes in shock.

Your name was written in blood.

“Does Earl Waller knows how to write?” 

“Most Vikings don’t write…”

“Then we do not know who did this.”

Ser Thomas gasped loudly and all three of you jumped.


	12. Second mark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline gets scary, you get angry.

Ser Thomas wasn’t death yet, but he looked in so much pain, at night you prayed to the gods he was. Caroline got better, physically, but every time you talked, you wondered if it was really her inside still.

The plan you had about earl Waller had to be scratched down and redone. Now you needed him alive to find who wrote for them, the letter told you that it was probably someone from the east, somewhere near England, if it wasn’t someone from England.

Three days after Ser Thomas discovery, you decided that Ivar and some of his men, including his brothers, were supposed to get to the Earl and confront him, kidnap him if needs be, kill him if it came to that, the important thing was to find the truth. The night before, Ivar was reckless, he couldn’t even look at you. Once in your chamber you asked him about it.

“Tell me what’s wrong my love.”

“You told me it was your name written behind the cross.” 

You nodded. 

“Then this attack is on you. What if they come while I am not here? I can’t leave knowing you are alone.”

“You’re not leaving with everyone in Kattegat, they’ll still be a lot of people who will protect me.”

“Yes, but… I’m scared for you; I don’t want to leave you alone here”

You were scared for him too. Someone willing to nail a man to a cross in order to send a message wasn’t a man you wanted to send your husband to. 

“Leave one of your brothers.” You didn’t want to admit it but the idea that someone was going to come murder you or try to murder Caroline again terrified you. Knowing that someone would stay wasn’t better than knowing that Ivar was safe but I’d have to do.

The next day Ivar told you that Hvitserk would stay and that they were leaving early the next day in order to get to the earl’s village by nightfall. The last night before their departure you held him in your arms and looked at his face, trying to picture him getting vengeance. 

Part of you was jealous that you weren’t going to be the one to kill earl Waller but then, you didn’t know if you could kill. You’d never even hunt an animal. The sight of death didn’t make you flinch, when you held the head of the man that left that mark on your hand, it even felt good.

But killing. Killing, watching the life leave out of someone’s eyes, that was something else.

Ivar’s steady breath was a comfort that would soon go away and you fought your own sleepiness in order to listen to it longer.

In the morning you woke up and Ivar was almost out the door.

“I love you. Be careful.” You tried to give him a smile, but fear must’ve pierced trough your eyes. Ivar came closer to you and took your face in his hand for you to look him in the eyes.

“They’re the one who should be careful (Y/N).” he kissed you and went away.

You touched your lips trying your hardest to feel him longer.

You visited Caroline during the day and asked her to take a walk with you in order to keep your thoughts out. She was very quiet, always looking around with a scared look. But then again, that was the norm since she woke up.

“Do you think Ser Thomas will survive?”

“I don’t know Caroline, let’s not talk about it too much.” You didn’t want to upset her, she went to see him often and Laegorta told you that when you weren’t there she would weep for him all day. In truth, Ser Thomas looked nearer death everyday. And unlike Caroline he would refuse to drink when he woke up.

“But I want to talk about it.”

You hesitated and bit your lips but continued.

“No, I don’t think he will. I’m sorry.”

“I do.”

You turned to her and she looked angry, a look that you had only seen on her face the night she woke up. It scared you.

“That’s good, faith can never be wrong.” 

You stopped and took her hands in yours. 

“My faith, not yours.” She took her hands out in a quick motion and started walking again. You sighed and followed.

“Caroline…” 

She started running and you followed, trying to keep her pace. She got to the room where you kept Ser Thomas and closed the door on your face. You opened it carefully, she was almost on top of him, touching his face.

“You don’t believe what I’ve seen. None of you do.”

“I believe…”

“You believe that I was just scared and that’s true but… but I saw it my queen. Monsters, chanting in a language I couldn’t understand. None of them are human” She was crying. 

You took her in your arms, and she whispered in your ears something that made your blood freeze “Ivar is one of them”

You drew back dryly. “What do you mean?” your voice wasn’t soft anymore.

“He’s a monster”

“My husband is not a monster.” You got up and took a step back, she got closer, facing you at a inch from your face. Your nose almost touching hers

“You have to kill him before he kills you.” 

You slapped her.

It was quick, not even strong enough to really hurt her, but it still resonated. She turned her face, holding her cheek.

“Maybe you’re becoming a monster too now my queen.” Her eyes pierces through you. 

Your whole body was shaking in rage. How dare she.

“Maybe you ought to be careful now Caroline.” 

She started laughing in a maniac kind of way, going to ser Thomas’s body and clinging into it. Horrified and angry you got out of the room, frantically looking for fresh air. Once out, you looked up and realized that the sun was hidden completely.

Caroline was never going to be the same anymore. You couldn’t send her back the way she was, France was going to start a war for what had happened to one of her daughters. You couldn’t keep her here; she would become dangerous to herself and to others. 

It was over, Sol was dead, the wolf had gotten her but, in this case, she had no daughter to continue the task.

You found Hvitserk not too far from his room, eating a bowl of stew alone. You sat in front of him.

“I need your help.”

“Did something happen.”

You didn’t answer, there was no point.

“Teach me to fight. For real this time.” 

He ate one last bite and put down the bowl on the rock next to him. “Now?”

You nodded and took the knife that was left next to him and examined it. “Now.”

You trained the whole day and at night you were so sore you had trouble getting in your bed. Your body was screaming for it, but you couldn’t sleep. You kept thinking about what was happening with your husband.

The next day was the same, you trained. Hvitserk taught you how to hold a sword. It was heavy and hard, you could barely hold it for more than a few minutes but this time, Hvitserk was patient and soft. His anger wasn’t toward you anymore, you had a common enemy and you both lost something at his hands.

You didn’t know when Ivar would be back exactly but according to the plan, it would be the third day. So on the third day, still getting trained by Hvitserk, you kept getting distracted by every noises. Looking for a sign of their arrival.

“Eyes on me (Y/N).”

You turned to him, holding your sword high.

“I’m sorry, I keep… I keep thinking about Ivar. I’m worried.”

“Don’t be, he’s not the one you should be worried about.” Caroline had refused to let go of ser Thomas’s body. He wasn’t dead yet, but his breath kept getting farther apart each time. She screamed every time a Viking would get in the tent. Her ranting had started to irritate people of the village and you needed to find a way to make her calm down, but you couldn’t think of anything.

Hvitserk led an attack and you blocked it. You weren’t anywhere near good, but it was getting easier to react to his attack. 

“Now show me how you react on your left.”

He raised his sword and hit but before you could react you heard commotion to the village and as Hvitserk’s sword came down you saw your husband’s army coming back.  
You faced it, looking from afar, realizing they had a prisoner. You felt something warm falling down your face and raised your finger to it. Hvitserk’s sword had left a mark on your forehead and you were bleeding lightly from it.


	13. Be careful of

The prisoner was Earl Waller himself. Ivar had thrown into a cell, the same they had use for the killer weeks ago. According to him getting to him was easy enough and no blood had to be shed. Weirdly that made you disappointed. 

And worried. 

If it was easy to get to him, if no one was trying to protect someone like that, it meant that the real danger had all the strength to himself. You hesitated to write to your mother and father, but you were so worried that if, for some strange reason, they were implicated in this ordeal, you would never be able to get over it.

You mentioned to Ivar that Hvitserk had started to train you to the sword and, if at first he was ready to hit his brother again when he saw the scar, he quickly found comfort in the idea that you would be able to defend yourself with more ease from now on.

The morning after they arrived you were laying your head on your husband’s chest, stroking his skin with the tip of your finger.

“How is she doing?” he asked in a soft voice. 

You hadn’t yet discussed what she had told you.

“Not great. She… She…” you sighed. “Her mind is dead. She’s terrified and angry.”

“What’d she tell you?”

“Horrible things my love… I can’t tell you all…”

“I want to know.”

You looked in his eyes.

“I love her too much. I can’t risk telling you those things.”

He rolled his eyes.

“I won’t do anything, she’s all yours, I just want to know.”

“Promise me.”

“Is it that terrible?” he smiled but it faded quickly when he saw your serious expression. “I promise, now go tell.”

You waited a second, taking a deep breath.

“She cursed the gods.” 

He frowned. “She already did that, I was there.”

You shook your head and bit your lips before continuing. “She cursed you. She cursed me.”

Ivar got serious; you felt his muscles tense under your hand.

“She…” your nails dug in your palm, feeling the scar underneath. “She told me I should kill you.”

You waited for a reaction, but there was none.

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. What would you do if you were me?”

“She’d already be dead.” 

You started crying.

“I won’t kill her. I… I…”

Ivar held your chin up. “I’m not asking you to do it, I’m not asking you to do anything.” He kissed your nose. “I’m not scared of her; I’m worried for you, but I won’t do anything unless you want me to.”

Relieved, you left the conversation at that. You didn’t want to admit that she’d called you a monster or it wouldn’t be as simple for your husband. 

Later in the day you went to visit Ser Thomas and was comforted by the fact that Caroline wasn’t there. She was probably out looking for something to eat or drink since she didn’t leave the room now that ser Thomas was back. Which meant that you’d only get a few moments alone with him.

You sat on the chair, looking at his face. You’d only exchange a few words for the brief time you’d known him, all pleasant from what you could recall but nothing remarkable. Something in his face reminded you of the guard you had talked to, the day Ivar had arrived in England, you wondered if maybe they knew each other.

He raised a faith hand and you took it with both of yours. 

“What is it?”

He parted his lips, he looked like he was trying to talk. You got your ear closer to his mouth, trying to understand whatever he was saying.

With a last breath he whispered: “Be careful of Caroline”

“What do you mean?” you asked worryingly.

There was no answer. Ser Thomas was dead, finally. You were still holding his hand when Caroline entered the tent, dropping the water bucket she was carrying when she saw the scene.

“I’m sorry…” you manage to whisper. She got on her knees and started bawling. You joined her, holding her in your arms and caressing her hair while she cried.

Be careful of Caroline.

Be careful of Caroline.

Be careful of Caroline.

\--

Before they took ser Thomas’s body to bury, you asked to see him one last time. 

He was dead but his body could still talk if you knew how to listen. You asked Bjorn to join you but not to tell anyone and he did. When he entered the tent, he looked surprise to see the Englishman’s body laying on the table naked. 

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Maybe. What is it?”

You rolled your eyes; it would have to do. You couldn’t ask Ivar because he would get enrage. You couldn’t ask Hvitserk because he would probably tell Ubbe, same thing the other way around. Bjorn would have to do. He didn’t tell Ivar about the poison so you had reasons to believe he would keep this a secret too.

“Do you know who helped clean him? Was it Laegorta? When he first arrived.”

“I don’t know.”

“Help me turn him over”

“Why?”

“I’ll know when we turn him over.”

You could have done this part alone. Ser Thomas was so emaciated that his body barely weight more than yours. But if what you suspected was true, you needed someone to… to… you didn’t even know what you needed Bjorn for, but you couldn’t be alone for that part.

Once his back exposed you looked at it, trying to keep your calm. But it was getting too much because it was true. So, you turned around and fell on your knees, looking at the ground, not even able to cry.

Bjorn walked next to you.

“What’s wrong? You didn’t see it before?”

You grabbed Bjorn’s hand and closed your eyes. You couldn’t talk, the words were stuck in your throat. You couldn’t yet explain to him that the reason you were shock, the reason you were unable to move or talk right now wasn’t because you’d saw wounds you’d already seen.

It wasn’t the violence of it, you’d seen him crucify before.

“Caroline” you managed to get out in a breath. Bjorn kneeled in front of you.

“You want me to get her?”

Your eyes opened widely, and you pulled his hand in a quick motion, shaking your head.

“She’s the one who stabbed him in the back.”

Bjorn frowned but didn’t say more. Only looking in your eyes, trying to find an answer that wasn’t there.

Be careful of Caroline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the more I write the more I feel like this is becoming a shitty soap opera. Still gonna finish it, just making myself laugh at some point.


	14. The wolf is hunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> War is knocking

The days following Ser Thomas’s death you were training almost from dusk till dawn. Sometimes even after dawn. Asking for another one of Ragnar’s son whenever Hvitserk would grow tired of training you. Ivar was worried but still enjoyed seeing you with a sword in your hand, vigorously showing it to you when It was time for bed. 

The news that you had found about Caroline was still a secret between you and Bjorn. One day he came to take Hvitserk’s place during your training and waited until you were alone with him to talk about it.

“Why?”

You clenched your fist on the handle of your sword.

“Why what?” You stroke your sword forward and he nonchalantly avoided your blow.

“Why would she do it?”

You shrugged. The words of Ser Thomas resonating in your ears.

“If I knew… I have ideas, but I can’t explain them.”

You once again raised your sword.

“Then why is she still free? Do you not care for what she has done?” There was no judgment in his voice, but you still felt guilty about it. 

“Of course, I care” you hit his shield with strength. “I just need it to be clearer. And I need to know for sure what does Earl Waller has to say about it.”  
For now, the earl had refused to talk. He’d laugh at Ivar’s torture according to him and that made your husband furious. You had not gone to see him yet, scared of whatever truth or lack thereof you would find. 

“What if it’s not her? Mmh. She looked devastated enough to see him in this state”

You rolled your eyes.

“you’ve never been in the English court. We can be… very good actors” 

He hit your sword with his and you dropped it. When you went to grab it, he kicked it further away. 

“Where is she now anyway?”

You shrugged and looked around. “I don’t think I want to know Bjorn. I… I’m afraid.”

“For her? Or of her?”

There was no answer.

\--

In the middle of the night you were looking at the ceiling, listening to Ivar’s steady breathing when you decided to take a walk. Carefully, you managed to get out of the bed and miraculously not wake him up. 

Kattegat was very cold at night, thankfully you were prepared and clung the furs closer to your body. You saw no one but one man taking a piss outside of a house. The man followed you with his eyes but didn’t say a word, probably not able to recognize you in the dark of the night. 

The cold breeze was freezing your nose and you thought about turning back but something deep in you kept you from it. 

You arrived outside of the tent they kept earl Waller in and stopped. You pressed your ear on the door, wondering if someone was inside with him but didn’t ear a sound so you got inside. 

It was almost as cold in the room as it was outside. Earl Waller was chained up on a post, his back pressed on it and his chin was resting on his chest, sleeping. He was sitting on the hard-cold ground and you almost felt bad about it.

Almost.

You sat in front of him and he woke up. His left eye was so busted it didn’t open. Puss and blood were pouring out of it forming a disgusting cocktail drying under it. He had a previous scar right in the middle of his face, leaving him with a face that was split in two. 

He smiled with dry and busted lips. 

There was a water bucket next to you, just far enough from him that he couldn’t reach it. You broke the ice on top of it, grabbed the cup that was dropped near and filled it. 

“Ivar send me a servant, how kind of him.”

Without a word you served him water that he drank avidly. You looked in his eyes while he drank, trying to find the reason you were here alone right now. If you’d wanted to see him, Ivar would have never objected to it, after all it was for you, he was doing it. But you didn’t, you were here, right now, alone. And why were you giving him water? It wasn’t compassion, it wasn’t kindness and yet you felt compelled to do it.

You sat down again, just far enough that even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to touch you, yet close enough to see every detail of his face in the dark room.

“some food would be appreciated too.”

You felt a shiver and hugged your coat closer to you.

“Are you supposed to be here right now little girl? Are you here to help me escape? If you’d be so kind to do it quickly, these chains are awfully tight” He grimaced in pain when he shifted his body to try to see you better.

“I have every right to be here.”

He gave you a snarky look. “Ahh, I knew you’d come. Queen is it?”

You didn’t answer.

“Or should I tell you how we call you in my village?” he spat on the floor. “Christian bitch” he raised his bruised chin. 

“Did you call my christian friend the same thing? The girl and my guard?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Did you like how we gave you that cunt back. Just as you like them, don’t you?”

“He’s dead.” You stayed completely passive. There was no reason to feel anything about what he was saying. Ivar maybe easily provoked but you weren’t.

“Good” he laughed a little.

“The girl is not. She’s called Caroline.” 

“Do you know she’s the one who killed him? Stabbed him in the back! Awfully violent that one. I mean, your cunt of a ‘guard’, like you say, he took it all like a good little Christian boy. Only screaming once we started to nail his feet. I mean, he was already unconscious before, because of your bitch, but still. Her… I almost lost a finger because of her and your other friend, he lost his life.”

“How do you know she stabbed him?”

“Cause she did it in front of me.”

“Did you ask her to do it?”

He shrugged and gave you a wide smile. “You’re curious about what we did to them are you? Want to know every detail, you greedy bitch.”

You shook your head slowly, keeping your calm. You wondered if you should start a fire, you were getting increasingly cold but decided against it.

“I’m only curious about her. Caroline is my only interest in this ordeal.”

“What’d she tell you?”

“That you’re monsters.” 

That we’re monsters.

“Do I look like a monster?”

You wanted to say yes. He looked horrible with all his scars.

“She said you had long claws and skin like the scales of a snake.” 

He laughed. “and I don’t? Honey you’ve never seen me during the day, maybe I have.”

You got on your knees, to get closer to him, and grabbed his face with both your hands. For a second he dropped his snarky look and you looked in his eyes and felt his skin under your finger. There was no scales.

You went back to your place.

“Do you know about a man named Athelstan?”

“no”

“You see, when your husband was still in his father’s balls, he found a Christian man called Athelstan. He and Ragnar were very close, he made him a true Viking and Athelstan told us he didn’t believe in your false god anymore. Then one day, he betrayed us. Turns out he never stopped being a Christian.”

You didn’t know about Athelstan, but you could see where the story was going.

“What happened to him?”

“A Viking called Floki killed him. No Christian will ever understand us, become us. We must kill them all before they kill us.”

“So, you’re telling me you’re scared of me? Scared I’ll go back to my old god?”

“I’ll never let a Christian govern over me. You may have fouled Ivar, but you’ll never foul us.”

There was no point to adding to this fire. This conversation finally was going nowhere. That’s when he said something so important, you didn’t even realize it at first.

“You may have gotten me here, chained up like a hound, but they are coming to get you. And while they’re here they may get your traitor husband with them. We don’t want you here and they’ll take care of it.”

It started to add up and your blood froze.

“Are you the one who let Caroline escape?”

“I’m the one who shot an arrow to her neck, found it bloody on a tree later. I hoped I had killed her, but Ivar made sure I know I was wrong about that.”

“How big is France’s army behind this thing?”

Once again, a wide smile, almost a grimace, formed on his face.

“Clever girl aren’t you?”

“I’m just a good listener.”

You got up and walked to the water bucket. The bucket was almost full and would be heavy to carry but with a good effort you’d get it right.

“Leaving already?”

You lifted the water bucket and threw its content on Earl Waller who gasped as the cold water touched his skin. Then, you left him, not listening to his laugh and jokes. Hugging the wolf’s pelt on your shoulder, stroking it until you were back in your bed, waking up Ivar to make love to him.

When the morning came Earl Waller had froze to death.

You didn’t even wait for everyone to ear the news before calling a meeting with all of Ragnar’s sons. War was knocking at your door and there was no time to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School's kicking my ass, I'm going to try to write more in the following days but the time of posting everyday is gone :(


	15. Locked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, that one's fucking triggering if you ever feel strongly about abusive relationship.

“France? Why would France be behind this?’’ Ubbe exclaimed.

“Because of your father.”

You could feel Ivar’s gaze on you.

“I might not have been invited in my father’s meetings, but my father loved to eat. And so, most of his meeting were during supper and he would let me come for them. I learned to listen. France was not happy with this marriage. I just… I didn’t believe they would act on it. Not here anyway, Not like this.”

“So, we kill them.’ Hvitserk shrugged and took a sip from his drink.

You chuckled sarcastically. “easy as that, right.”

“We’ll get my army ready. If they come here, they’ll know who they are crossing with.”

You sighed and turned to him. “Ivar, thing is, they already know. If they didn’t, if they were stupid, they’ll have met you here already. They’re trying to provoke us, make us do something stupid so they can strike and kill us.”

“What if we find them first?” Bjorn broke his silence. 

“I mean, yes, I… I… I don’t know. War is not what I know. I’ve just learnt how to hold a sword thanks to you, but armies and battle, that’s you. All of you.”

Ivar took your hand and you realized you were shaking.

“It’s alright (Y/N). Don’t worry, we will stop them, and we will win.”

You smiled at him. “I don’t doubt it”

But he knew you were lying. You didn’t need to tell him that knowing that the threat looming over you was bigger than you thought terrified you.

“Isn’t Caroline from France?” Ubbe asked, leaving the room even more tense than it was. “Is that why she managed to escape?”

You gave a look to Bjorn who shrugged, not willing to add to this. 

“Yes and no. Caroline is…” you bit your lips, trying to decide if you needed to tell them what you were thinking. If you waited to uncover the truth it would never happen. “I can’t specify everything; I’m just asking you, my friends, to be careful of Caroline.”

You squeezed your husband’s hand tighter, feeling his blue eyes on you. “Now, could I please have a moment with Ivar?”

They got up and left.

“What do you mean, be careful of Caroline.”

“Do you thrust me my love?”

He didn’t answer. It broke you for an instant. But now, you realise that he was right not to. You yourself didn’t even know what to do. You had information that no one else knew, you knew how bad it could get but you were so lost. Even knowing everything, it was your heart, refusing to stop loving her, that kept you from making a sane decision. 

“I don’t want her to suffer. That is all.”

He turned you around firmly.

“What did she do? Is she responsible for anything?”

Your eyes told him whatever he needed to know, and he got his crutches and went out of the room. You didn’t bother to stop him. Right as he was trying to leave, he stopped.

“It’s me you don’t thrust, not the other way around.”

He went out.

\--

The atmosphere was tense the rest of the day and both you and Ivar ignored each others. As you went to got to your room, before dinner, you saw that the door wasn’t closed as it should be. You knew Ivar wasn’t in the room since you had just seen him in the dining hall. 

Carefully you pushed it open, your heart racing in your chest, ready to run.

Caroline was sitting on the bed crossed legged. 

“What are you doing here?”

She smiled.

You hadn’t seen her smile since she came back, so it was strange. This smile was very unfamiliar, it looked normal at first glance, but it sent chills down your back the more you looked at it.

“I’m waiting for you my queen, I needed to talk to you.”

You tried to act natural. Before she would never have went in your room without permission so her being here right now was even stranger.

“Didn’t you say you hated me now?”

Her smile faded finally.

“I would never, I could never…” he voices shook and you recognized the Caroline from today.

“Don’t worry about it”

You closed the door and sat on the chair in the corner, keeping a distance between you too.

“What do you want to talk to me about?”

Her smile came back again. It was the eyes, that’s what made her smile weird. She opened them so wide it made her seem crazy.

“I want to go back to France.”

You froze. You couldn’t.

“I can’t, I’m sorry.”

Her smile shut off, but her eyes stayed wide.

“You promised me. People don’t like me now, I don’t like them, so I want to go back.”

“Caroline, even if I could, you know exactly there are things to address before.”

There was no weapon in the room, it wasn’t a good idea to talk about this now, but you didn’t have a choice, she wouldn’t leave if you didn’t.

“What things?”

You sighed and rubbed your face with your hand. “Don’t play dumb Caroline.”

Her jaw tightened but she didn’t add anything. 

“I know who helped you escape. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“He is my father. I don’t want him to die.”

“You’d prefer he'd kill me?”

She turned her head, not looking at you.

“Now you know, so why does it matter.”

You started to feel your blood boiling and clutched the armchair tighter.

“Why did you not tell me?” You took a pause, your voice broke and you felt a tear run down your cheek. “Why did you kill ser Thomas.” 

You saw that she had started to silently cry, holding her fist to her chest. You went to get closer to her, almost to her ear, she didn’t move. You whispered, trying your hardest not to cry: “Why did you kiss me?”

She turned, shaking. 

In a breath she responded: “Love… for love.”

You shook your head and walked angrily across the room. Trying to contain your anger the best you could.

“Ser Thomas had agreed to kidnap you for them. I loved my queen, so I killed him, well I tried to kill him… I didn’t tell you because I still loved my father.”

You looked out the window, trying to decide if you needed to believe her, trying to find another truth in her voice. 

“And I kissed you because… I love you (Y/N)”

You felt goosebumps down your spine. Caroline had never called you by your name, ever. 

“If you love me then why do you want to leave?” you still looked outside. You saw Ubbe talking to a woman near a pig enclosure, he looked calm. 

“Because I love you. I love you and it hurts that I love my family too. I do not want to see either of you killed.”

You heard her move in the bed but refuse to turn around to see if she was up or if she simply shifted in her seat.

“You once told me love is hope. Hope of something better. Then why would you leave?”

“Because, in this case, there is no hope, not from my family. Not from you.”

You turned around and she was right in front of you. Her golden hair shined in the sun. The dark circle under her eyes didn’t shown as much right in front of the window. She looked as beautiful as the sun but everywhere the sun didn’t shine on her, her skin looked old and grey. Kattegat had broken her.

You kissed her. There was no love in this kiss, it was a last attempt had having her change her mind. Manipulation and malice. But no love because you didn’t believe, didn’t hope, that it would work.

“Please let me leave.” She cried.

You simply shook your head, leaving the room. You heard her cry loudly and angrily but couldn’t come back. 

You couldn’t let her leave. She lied, she had too. No one killed for love. Even if Ivar already did it for you, even if you already did it for her. Even if you would kill all of Kattegat for you husband, you couldn’t believe that in her version of love, she’d be ready to kill for it. 

\--

You only came back in your room at nightfall. Laegarta had told you that she saw Caroline back in her room and that she hadn’t left since then. You nervously searched for something when Ivar came in. He didn’t say anything, only getting on the bed, fully clothes. As he grunted, trying to get his pants off, you realized he was drunk. You watched him struggle for an instant, trying not to laugh but then you went to his rescue, pushing his hand away to help him.

“no” he grumbled.

“Just let me Ivar.”

He threw his head back and you undid the braces. 

“I’m capable of doing it myself…”

“Yes, I see that.” You smiled, pushing them off the side of the bed, working your way to unbutton his shirt. As you started on the one closest to his face your eyes met his.

“Why are you drunk?’

‘Cause I drank’ He grinned at you.

You rolled your eyes and pulled his pants off, covering him with the blankets quickly after. You went to put the braces at the right place, in the corner of the room, when he grumbled something. He said is so quietly, he probably didn’t even intended you to ear it but you did.

‘You don’t love me.’ It broke your heart to ear it. 

You sat on the bed next to him. ‘I don’t? Ivar…’ you were short for words. Ivar had turned his face away from you. You hesitated to touch him but decided against it.

‘I love you. I would die for you, kill for you. I love more than anything, more than the moon and the…’

‘More than the sun?’ he said as he turned. If looks could kill, you’d be dead in a heartbeat.

The implication in his question made you shiver with fear. 

‘Yes’ you finally breathed out.

He didn’t believe you. There was a pain in his eyes you had not seen since you first were married. 

‘Why can’t you believe it?’ You realized that you had started crying. 

‘Because she is still here.’

‘so? Caroline is…’

‘She wants to leave. She asked me. (Y/N) ME! Why can’t you let her leave, fuck her!’

You tried to get out the bed but Ivar frowned angrily and then he rolled on top of you and you cried harder, both in fear and pain. Even drunk, he was stronger than you.

‘Are you Viking? Was it always a lie?’

You had started to shake and couldn’t answer. He punched the pillow next to your face and you let out a surprised scream. He got closer to your ear and whispered: ‘I know you kissed her.’

You tried to get out of his grip, but he was holding you too tight. So you punched him with the palm of your hand and screamed. He kept you right there, not moving. You started to get tired and, while digging your nails in his shoulder, something escaped from your lips. It was so vile you even wondered how you could have said it.

‘Are you going to kill me like you killed your ex wife.’

At once, he let you go.

You went to the door and stopped, sitting down, your back to it. He looked small and drunk and lost once again. His lips parted, he looked like he was trying to find something to say but couldn’t find it.

‘Do you regret not using the poison your mother gave you?’ he said after a long time. Breaking your sobs.

You saw it under the bed. That was exactly what you were trying to find before he came inside. Of course, it wasn’t meant for him now.

‘I love you’ you answered. ‘please believe me.’


	16. The third cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The seer was right

You didn’t sleep that night. You couldn’t leave the room, neither could you fall asleep. So, you stayed, your back to the door. You couldn’t tell if Ivar had managed to sleep but he sure didn’t look awake anymore when the morning came up. When he started to move, you left the room. 

You directly went to the dock. You saw Ubbe talking to one of the fishermen.

‘Ubbe’ you called him. When he turned around, he looked shock. You looked more tired than you thought. He went to you. 

‘Are you alright?’ 

‘I need a boat’

He frowned. ‘Did he hurt you?’ 

‘It’s not for me.’

He asked it again, slower ‘Did he hurt you?’

‘Would you feel bad about it?’ 

‘I’m not the one who kissed her. So, no.’ 

There was nothing to answer. He was right. But he still looked sorry.

‘I still need a boat. I don’t know what I can take, how I can… She can’t go alone. I can’t go with her. Ser Thomas is dead…’

‘It’s okay (Y/N). I’ll find one for you. I’ll find her a small crew. I’ll go to Floki.’ You nodded and he left.

You sighed and turned away. Thinking maybe you should go and tell her but pride kept you from it. Why would fear make you change your mind? As you walked amongst the village, people looked at you weird. You couldn’t find why. Then, when she saw you, Lageorta almost ran to you. 

‘My queen! What happened to your face?’

You shook your head, not understanding. 

‘What do you mean?’

She raised a hand to your left cheek and when she touched it, you felt a small pain. 

‘Is it a cut?’

She shook her head with a puzzled look.

‘It looks like someone clawed your cheek. It’s not that deep, come with me I’ll patch it up.’

You wondered if Ivar had done it but when you looked down on your finger and saw dry blood on your nails your sighed, relieved. It was only you. Probably when you were trying to get out of the bed.

Three marks.

You had been hurt three times in Kattegat, this was the third. You patted the scar on your hand and then the smaller one on the side of your head.  
You felt a cold sweat drip down your back. 

‘Laegorta. Tell everyone to take their weapons. Find my husband’s brother and tell them to get their army.’

‘My queen?’

‘This is not a joke. NOW!’ 

She ran at once and you did the same, running directly to Caroline’s chamber. When you got there it was empty. You wanted to rip your hair out. You cursed loudly and couldn’t linger longer. You ran the fastest you could to get to Ivar. 

He was still in the bed and jumped when you threw him his braces.

‘Get dress.’

He frowned when he saw your face.

‘I know. The French are coming.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Get dress.’ 

You ran back out. You felt a burn in your chest but couldn’t stop. When you ran into Hvitserk you almost fell down. 

‘What is this about the army?’

‘The…’ you took a breath. ‘The French. Caroline is gone, I think she went to them and now they are coming.’

‘Are you sure?’

You needed a moment. You needed everything to be good, you needed to feel like you hadn’t made the worse mistake of your life and that you hadn’t put everyone’s life in danger. Someone rang a horn and Hvitserk took you closer to him. He led you to the field where you saw, like a black wave, an army approaching.

‘Where’s Ivar?’ he said. 

He looked scared. You realized he didn’t even have a sword in his hand. He was totally vulnerable. So were most Vikings. The majority looked like they had just been dragged out of bed, and they were.

‘He was getting dressed.’

‘Go get him.’ You hadn’t heard Bjorn approaching. He looked more prepare than the others. He had two swords in his hand and handed one to Hvitserk. You were about to leave when he grabbed your hand and gave you a small knife from his pocket.

‘In case.’ You nodded and, once again, ran.

Ivar had a small group of men beside him. He had managed to put on his armor and was shouting orders left and right. He stopped when he saw you.

You got closer.

‘I’m sorry. If I had said yes to her, maybe…’

‘Did I do that?’ he pointed to your cheek.

You shook your head. ‘No, I think it’s me.’

‘Good.’

He walked past you toward the field. 

His indifference felt like someone stabbed you in the heart. Now you didn’t knew where to go. You were useless in the field, useless elsewhere. If it wasn’t for Laegorta who came to take you away, to wherever they would hide those unable to fight, you would have stayed right there. 

\--

It was hot and crowded inside. You could ear distant screams, but it was a guessing game if those screams were a good or a bad thing. 

‘I am sure my husband will save us all.’ You could ear your mother in your voice. 

The screams were increasingly getting closer. There was a small little boy who kept looking at you and you did your best to smile at him, to stay calm. But he started crying, nonetheless.

Then, you smelled something burning. You looked around, but the fire in the fireplace seemed normal and no one could be cooking anything. It wasn’t long before you saw smoke forming before you.

‘We’re burning.’ You whispered. Then louder: ‘Everyone out!’

A woman turned to you. ‘My queen, I think they’re in the village, we can’t get out.’

‘We will burn if we stay’ you went to the door, already feeling the heat from the fire. You prayed it wouldn’t blast you in the face when you were to open it. ‘Everyone run to the castle!’ As you opened the door, a frame from the back of the tent fell down and fire rained inside. Everyone in the tent screamed and ran away. You stayed.

You waited until everyone was out, and followed out, your lounges felt like they were on fire and you coughed as much of it out. To your surprise, you were met by no army. The battle seemed to still be going on in the field. 

You watched the tent fall down with the flames, feeling the heat from it on your face. You saw a woman setting the next tent on fire and you gripped the knife Bjorn had given you. When she turned around you stopped.

‘You know I went to find you a boat right away in the morning.’

She didn’t answer. Her eyes wide. You tried to pin what she was thinking at this moment but couldn’t.

‘So that’s your plan now, burn everything?’

She pointed the torch toward you, but you didn’t move back. You could feel one side of your face heating up from the tent but couldn’t care more.

‘If the Vikings lose and they catch me, what will you do?’

‘You’ll burn. I told them you’re a witch’ her bottom lips quivered, she looked like a scared child.

You smiled. 

‘I hope you’ll be there to ear me scream.’ She looked down, still holding the torch toward you. 

‘And if we lose. What will you do my queen?’

Your smiled faded and you threw the knife. It lodged itself in her belly and she dropped the torch and clutched her stomach with both her hand. She looked at you, completely shocked. You went to her and held her in her arms. She lifted a hand to your face and tried to say something but only blood came out. you buried your face in her neck. Whispering to her: ‘I’m so sorry’.

You were. You had killed someone because you couldn't keep a promise. Because you couldn't bare having her away, having her be her own. If you could you would take it all back, everything. Caroline was a martyr, she didn't deserve anything that happened and yet, you killed her. She was a sister, a lover, a friend, a child. She was everything at once and for almost every day since you met her she had acted on those ways. Now she was dying in your arms and you had to let go of everything you ever knew before Kattegat. You were viking. It was the most violent pain you ever felt in your life. 

Right before she drew her last breath, she managed to tell you: ‘Monster…’. When you went to see her face the life had already left her eyes. You closed them with a shaky hand.  
You couldn’t find the strength to get up after that. After all, whoever would win would come and find you regardless. You were crying and shaking. Crying until no sound came out.

When the son of Ragnar came back, you had no tears left.


	17. The end

The rest of the day was a blur. You knew you had won and that was it. 

Ivar didn’t talk to you at all after the battle. He partied with soldiers the rest of the day while you kept in your chamber. You heard they had kept a soldier from the French alive to question him about future battle. In the morning you went to meet him.

You could talk French well, so it wasn’t a problem to understand him. He looked no more than sixteen and had a nasty cut on his leg. He wouldn’t survive an interrogation with your husband, you knew that just by looking at how scared he was.

‘Will there be another attack?’

He would no answer at first but you gave him water and food and he looked softened by it.

‘I don’t think so. Unless your father helps, I doubt it.’ You smiled at him and he shyly smiled back. ‘Will you kill me?’

‘Do you want us to kill you?’ he shook his head but he looked weirdly calm about the whole thing. ‘My husband probably will.’

‘oh…’ he looked down and your heart broke for him. 

‘Do you have news about England? I’d love to know if things have happened. I miss…’

‘The queen is dead.’

You froze. ‘My mother?’ You bit your lips to force yourself not to cry. A silent tear escaped from your eye. You blinked to get rid of it. ‘Oh. I didn’t knew that.’

‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘Do you know…’ you took a breath. ‘Do you know how she died?’

‘I don’t.’

You left the tent. The kid died during the night. Probably from an infection, maybe from blood loss. It didn’t matter, you couldn’t have helped him anyway. You wondered if this dead was better that one at Ivar’s hand. Probably it was.

\--

Hvitserk visited you the third day after the battle.

‘Are you okay?’

You spent most days looking out from your window. Trying to find life in your cold dead heart. There was no point in answering him.

‘Ivar’s worried about you.’

‘then why have I not seen him yet?’ you turned to him. ‘He hasn’t come in our room since the battle…’

‘And you haven’t left.’ He paused. ‘He feels guilty, I think.’

‘why would he?’

‘You know why.’

You looked at the ground, feeling tears filling your eyes.

‘I still loved her; you know.’ He continued. ‘Even if she didn’t love me. I cared.’ He took your hand in his and stroked your scared hand. ‘I miss her.’

You started crying and hugged Hvitserk. ‘Why did I do that?’

‘You had no choice.’

But you did. You knew you did and he knew you did and everyone did too. 

‘I did have a choice; I feel so guilty Hvitserk. I want to die.’

He squeezed you harder. ‘don’t say that (Y/N). I’ll take care of you now, don’t worry.’

‘My mother is dead.’ He kissed your forehead and held you.

It was good to let it out for someone. To cry was bad but to cry with someone was a little less bad. That night you managed to sleep. Hvitserk slept in the chair and you in the bed. It felt good to not be alone for once. 

You ate in the morning and you talked during the day. You cried a little less everyday. The guilt didn’t go away but, to know that no one had to be hurt now was good.

Two weeks after the battle Ivar still wouldn’t talk to you. It became almost normal not to see him in the morning and you got used to it. You loved him, you wanted him, you missed him but you couldn’t control him. Hvitserk tried to convince you that he would come back but you didn’t really believed him. Right until you got hurt during training.

It was a grey day like it always was since the battle. It had been almost three months and you were getting stronger. Hvitserk would now get tired himself during the training and you could hit him. You loved to tease him and he would always hit you the same way after but this time he miscalculated and he cut through your side. The cut was deep enough that you could see muscle in it.

Shocked, at first, you couldn’t believe he hurt you. You almost laughed but when the pain hit you screamed. You lost consciousness soon after. 

You saw, in dreams, bright lights like you never seen before. You saw dark boxes and soft beds. The time looked quicker where you were. It was hot and cozy, the ground was hard but the pillows and beds had never been better. You missed your husband, you missed Ivar. A part of you, the one still holding on to real life, wondered if he would even care you were hurt.

When you woke up the pain was so intense you didn’t want to open your eyes. Someone grabbed your hand and you calmed down. With your free hand you traced the bandage around your waist. 

‘Am I dead?’ you whispered.

You opened your eyes to Ivar. His eyes were red and swollen. He opened his mouth, nothing but a long sigh came out. His hand was shaking in yours and he buried his head on it.  
You could hear Kattegat from your room, the noise helped you calm down. You brushed his hair with your finger but not for long, the pain kept you from it. He kissed each one of your finger and tried to get to your forehead but you winced when the bed moved so he drew back.

‘Do you hate me?’ you asked. You knew the answer but you needed him to answer.

‘Even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to.’

You took his face in between your hand and took him close to you. You kissed beside the pain and enjoyed every bit of it.

‘Is Hvitserk fine?’ you thought about the time he hit him and wondered if he knew how accidental this ordeal was and if it would even matter for Ivar.

He brushed the question in the air and answered nonchalantly. ‘Ubbe and Bjorn kept me from doing anything.’

You chuckled and grabbed your side with a grimace. ‘I didn’t think you could be stopped from doing anything.’

He kept stroking your hand and smiling. It felt so good to have him by your side finally, to feel his warmth in the room. To love and be loved and to know that it wasn’t going anywhere.

The recovery was troublesome and hard. It took a couple of weeks before you could leave the bed, but Ivar stayed with you the whole way. Sleeping in the chair next to the bed whenever the pain made it impossible for the bed to move.

Hvitserk gave you apologises after apologises. After the tenth you wondered if you could ban him from the city altogether. There was nothing to forgive but you knew what guilt felt like so you kept on listening to him. It took a while but he, one day, stopped apologising and just visited you like a brother would.

Once able to resume your activities you took a walk around Kattegat with Ivar. He was overly protective and it annoyed you at first but you understood where he came from and, after all, you were very fragile. 

‘Is Bjorn coming back?’ Bjorn had left two weeks ago, whatever he needed from Ivar, he didn’t anymore and he went without a goodbye. He did, however, leave you a knife that you kept in your pocket at all time now. 

‘I don’t know, maybe one day. He liked you.’

You smiled, thinking of the night he saved you. But resumed with a serious tone: ‘Not enough to say goodbye.’ Ivar stroke your back with one hand.

You stopped on the dock and went to sit, looking at the ocean. Ivar sat next to you. The sun was about to fade out and the scene was beautiful. From the corner of your eyes you could see Ivar staring at you. He looked worried, probably wondering what you were thinking about.

‘I think we should have a child.’

‘What?’ you still looked upfront, to the bright sun warming your face amongst the cold wind. There was a smile in his voice, you knew it.

‘I would like you to make me a child Ivar. Would you want a child with me?’

He kissed you and you felt your whole body warming up. He grabbed your face with both hand and pressed his forehead on yours.

‘More than anything (Y/N). I love you and I will love our children.’

You stayed there, looking at each other, enjoying the last bit of sun in the sky. 

\--

(Five years later)

You were on the dock, it was the end of summer and you tried to enjoy every last bit of sun Kattegat could give you. 

Your oldest, Ragnar, was playfighting with some kids from the village, you could hear him scream and laugh. He was always jolly that one. He would always make sure whoever was playing with him would win but he knew, and you did too, that he was bigger and stronger than most kids his age and he could win every fight he got into. 

Your other child, Carolina, was playing with dolls next to you. She was too young to play with the other kids but you could tell she would be the most hot headed out of all of your kid. She herited from Ivar’s eyes and temper. That was why Ivar would keep being worried about her, he kept his eyes on her all the time, worried something would happen and you had to remind him that everything was fine.

Your youngest was in your arm, sleeping. Harald you had decided to name him. He was the calmest, beside his young age. Always sleeping, never crying loudly. He had your mother’s eyes and, if at first it made you sad, now it was a comfort to see her everyday in your son’s eyes. 

You saw, from afar, a boat approaching and rejoiced when you recognize your husband’s. He was finally coming back after weeks of raiding.

‘Ragnar!’ you called him, and he clutched at your leg while you stroke his hair.

When Ivar got on land, he first kissed you and then said hello to Harald. He took Carolina in his arms and playfought with Ragnar while both laughed. On your back you felt the warmth of the sun and close your eyes. You saw Caroline in heaven, dinning with gods and raising her glass to you. You smiled and opened them to follow your husband and children to your tent.

It felt, without any possible doubt, like you were at home.

Even if maybe, it would not end with smiles, even if Harald would not survive many winters, even if Bjorn would one day betray you, if France would come back, if Ivar would suffer and Ragnar would try and fail to avenge him. If Carolina would follow the path most people feared Ivar would have before. Even if you would lose, once again, your home. Ivar, Ragnar, Carolina and Harald would all be waiting for you wherever you were going at last and love would stay.

For once, you were home and you were loved and there were no questions beyond that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who read it, for every likes and for every comments. It was so fun to write and I can't wait to write more fic. It had been years since I wrote and published anything. Even if it is all drafts and that nothing's perfect, I feel like I fell in love once more with writing.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, I love you <3


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